HAMILTON, ON – The Ontario Provincial Police are still searching for a man wanted in connection with several gruesome buzzkillings in the Hamilton area.
Recently identified as Burlington resident Adam LeCris, the perpetrator has left his calling card, a recording of a deep, rattling sigh, at the scene of multiple ruined parties.
“I had him cornered once,” said Officer Peter Lerry of the OPP. “But then he started talking about how I was probably just throwing myself into my work because I was unhappy in my personal life, and about how likely my career made me to suffer long-term psychological stress. After that, I just couldn’t see the point anymore.”
LeCris’s neighbours have said they are not surprised by his crime spree.
“I actually saw this coming” said Jennifer Walsh, LeCris’ next door neighbour. “He was always keeping to himself, writing depressing poetry and bringing down the neighbourhood pets.”
In response to the threat posed by LeCris, the City of Hamilton has raised the Downer Alert from cool grey to medium grey, and a curfew has been put in effect.
In other crime news, the Main Street Thunder-Stealer has turned himself in, and taken credit for the capture of the Main Street Thunder-Stealer.
