ATLANTA – Following weeks of wild round the clock speculation on the nature of the mysterious Malaysian Airlines disappearance, CNN anchors were disappointed to discover that the plane simply crashed, causing the death of regular old human lives.
CNN Hosts, pundits, and body language experts alike were crestfallen this morning following the announcement of wreckage discovered off the coast of Australia. At 10AM EST, Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak announced that Flight 370 fatally crashed into the Indian Ocean, instead of something way cooler like a rogue government abduction or even some kind of Bermuda Triangle scenario.
Anchors across the 24 hour cable news station were despondent upon realizing that they no longer had carte blanche to spin fantastical stories about Flight 370’s (until now) baffling disappearance. CNN anchor Anderson Cooper was reportedly momentarily excited at the prospect of weeks of parsing exactly what mechanical error caused the plane to crash, before glumly accepting that “aliens (were) pretty much out of the question at this point”. Anderson then shrugged before he returned to the mundane task of describing the increasingly unremarkable human tragedy.
Still, many on air personalities were prepared to remember the past 2 weeks fondly. “You don’t often realize you’re living in a golden age until it’s in hindsight,” recounted CNN primetime anchor Don Lemon, who earlier actually suggested on a live national news broadcast, with adult men and women watching it, that Flight 370 was possibly sucked up by a “black hole”.
“I mean, just last week I was having a conversation with a freaking comic book author, on an actual factual television news channel, about whether Flight 370 was abducted by aliens or by God himself.” Lemon wistfully added, “Look, we at CNN are accustomed to making things up on the fly in the absence of any hard reportable facts. But the creative freedom afforded to us by an entire plane disappearing? What a time to be alive, man.”
Lemon then added, “But a normal maritime plane crash with all onboard killed, that’s… that’s also interesting. I guess.”
Across the network, CNN anchors have started to come to grips with the inevitable end of their rampant speculation. With the discovery of actual tangible evidence of the airline cataclysm, and the resultant loss of human life, this will mean the end of any conjecture involving hijackers, conspiracies, secret islands hideaways, and references to TV shows such as Lost and The Twilight Zone or even the 1995 Stephen King television movie The Langoliers.
At press time CNN’s Chris Cuomo was glumly setting himself to the task of analyzing debris patterns, when a Nebraskan child was reported missing down a well and here we go again…
