TORONTO – At a press conference, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford challenged Police Chief Bill Blair to apprehend him before he could carry out “yet another fiendishly wicked stroke of criminal genius”, and then cackling maniacally.
Speaking to the assembled City Hall press corps, the embattled mayor accused the city’s top cop of being part of a far-reaching conspiracy, before taunting him with clues to his latest heist.
“Bill Blair thinks he can outsmart me, does he,” boasted the chief magistrate of Canada’s largest city. “Well I, Rob Ford, dare that flat-footed do-gooder to capture me before I strike next!” Ford then laughed uncontrollably for several minutes, before being joined by three muscular aides wearing identical sweaters marked “Smoke”, “Rock”, and “Pipe”, respectively.
Reporters questioned why Mayor Ford would threaten to poison the Gotham City reservoir, considering that he is currently the mayor of Toronto, in addition to the city of Gotham being fictional. Ford replied, “Oh, I’m sorry I’m not as smart as you guys.” Ford pointedly emphasized, “I’m not perfect, and I wasn’t elected to be perfect. But the taxpayers want poison. Poison, poison, poison!”
Asked whether Ford’s public challenge was a tacit admission of criminal activity, the mayor muttered, “Anything else,” before redoubling his challenge. “No matter what the Cop Crusader does, he is no match for me, the Clown Prince of Crack” Ford once again giggled to himself, before adding, “No wait, Clown Prince of Crime. No wait, that sounds worse.” Ford then offered a curt, “No more questions,” before dashing away from reporters and immediately running groin-first into a nearby fire hydrant.
Reached for comment, Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair just smiled knowingly for a really long time.
Meanwhile, back at City Hall, Ford returned to the press area and asked reporter Daniel Dale to smell his lapel flower, before using the trick flower to squirt Dale in the face with mayonnaise.
