BOSTON – FBI investigators have definitively concluded that the bombings at the Boston Marathon were orchestrated by a fundamentalist Islamic terrorist cell supported by Kim Jong Un’s oppressive regime and acting through a lone wolf survivalist who thinks Jesus hates marathons.
“Without certainty, this was an act of radical religious terror,” said Robert Mueller, Director of the FBI at a press conference this afternoon. “This is a clear indication of a cowardly and barbaric response to America’s foreign and domestic policies. A single nihilist individual is responsible with an extensive network of terror cells located in Madison, Wisconsin, Mali, Afghanistan, North Korea and Andorra to support him or her.”
“These terrorists are radical in every sense and in every guess,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano. “By using a pressure cooker, the extreme feminist suspect(s) were radically rejecting male patriarchy with a symbolic device used frequently in domestic labour. We are also quite certain this was an act of eco-terrorism since the runners of the Boston Marathon trample thousands of small insects each year.”
At the end of the press conference, Napolitano concluded that the suspect terror cell was linked to Central European crypto-fascists still upset at the disintegration of the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
Before she left the podium, Napolitano quickly added “…and the terror cell may or may not have been provided arms and military training by the US in the past.”
At press time, every single internet commentator was bragging about how they called it.
