By: Dalton Henderson, NHL Linesman That’s right you fucking rubes, get in the faceoff circle and put your sticks in, because you think I’m about to drop this puck. Well spoiler alert …
Tag: NHL
Owners refuse to fire Bettman due to his success taking NHL from 4th place league with struggling Canadian teams to 4th place league with struggling American teams
NEW YORK CITY – Despite Gary Bettman’s disastrous handling of the Brad Aldrich scandal, NHL insiders say owners are likely to stick with him as commissioner due to his amazing track r…
Bettman promises NHL will never allow sexual assault scandal to leak to media ever again
NEW YORK CITY – In the wake of revelations concerning the horrific sexual assault of Kyle Beach and the Chicago Blackhawks subsequent coverup, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman promised players…
Leafs begin home opener with annual apology for last season
TORONTO – As the Maple Leafs take to the ice to begin their season, MLSE PR have announced a number of pre-game festivities, including the usual apology for the catastrophic failure that wa…
Devastated Toronto Blue Jays fans in perfect place mentally for Leafs season to start
TORONTO – After the Blue Jays were eliminated from the playoffs in dramatic fashion, experts agree that Toronto fans are now in the absolute ideal mental state to get ready for a new season…
Erin O’Toole reverses position he hasn’t announced yet
OTTAWA – In the wake of changing his position on abortion, guns and the carbon tax, Erin O’Toole has also announced that he no longer plans to sell corporate naming rights to all of …
Justin Trudeau forces Edmonton Oilers to change name to Edmonton Wind Turbines
EDMONTON – In an effort to combat climate change, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has forced the Edmonton NHL team to change its name from the Oilers to the Wind Turbines. “This is the centra…
Drunken Habs GM sends 2am offer sheets to Hurricane Ida, “Oh Carolina” by Shaggy and Tottenham’s Harry Kane
MONTREAL – Montreal Canadiens General Manager Marc Bergevin submitted three bizarre offer sheets in the wee hours of the morning to NHL head offices. He commandeered the Habs Twitter accoun…
NHL’s plan to become league that only caters to MRAs, alt-right trolls and creepy uncles going great
TORONTO – The NHL is reporting progress in their plan to drive away all but their most disturbed and depraved fans by choosing to support sexual offenders and violent, racist trolls. “…
Leafs fans think team should trade their bad players for other teams’ good players
TORONTO – With the NHL offseason in full swing Leafs fans have begun engaging in their usual speculation and prognostication concerning how the team could make itself better by trading some…
