MENLO PARK, CA – In response to twin antitrust lawsuits launched by dozens of states and the federal government, social media giant Facebook has purchased the United States Justice Departme…
Tag: Facebook
Highlights of U.S. Election Day
Every four years Canada and the world get to nervously watch while we wait to see what fresh hell the United States will unleash upon the world. But given America’s unique (aka a product of slave…
Facebook adds new relationship option: “We’re fucking because they’re in my bubble”
Surrey, BC – Facebook has released a new relationship option for users who are fucking because they’re in each other’s bubbles. “It’s great,” said Mark Sanchez, who’s been sleeping with his…
Newly engaged couple posts Jimmy Hoffa-level mystery instead of just saying “We’re engaged”
FACEBOOK – Daniel Cropsky and Melanie Vitker have both posted a photo of a skyline with the caption “We’re mine now!”, and their friends are completely flabbergasted. “I am almost certain t…
International pedophile ring brought down by guy whose profile pic is a sunset
HUNTSVILLE, ON – A global ring of wealthy, politically connected child traffickers has been exposed and subsequently brought to justice by a guy on Facebook whose profile photo is a low-res…
Racist facebook friend got married
Kitchener, ON – Reports from your facebook account indicate that Mitch, a guy you once met on a camping trip and who has been posting increasingly racist memes for several years now, recent…
Local ally imagines how proud his Black friends would be about this social media post if he had any
Lethbridge, AB – Local white man Jeffrey Travers is having the time of his life imagining all the praise he would receive from his imaginary Black friends for his pro-Black Lives Matter soc…
After careful deliberation, local man ready to deliver opinion no one asked for on Black Lives Matter movement
Morden, MB – Local man Henry Gittner has finally answered the non-existent calls for him to provide his opinion on the Black Lives Matter movement and police brutality by writing a lengthy …
5 best ways to celebrate frontline workers so you go viral
In these uncertain times that are so full of uncertainty we are all feeling an enormous amount of gratitude for the people at the frontlines of the fight against COVID-19. And we want to find a w…
Dynamic modeling predicts end of quarantine to be absolute horned-up fuckfest
OTTAWA – In a Facebook Live press conference, Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam released numbers based on dynamic modeling that project the end of self-isolation will be a sopping…