CALGARY – With his firm forgoing plans for the usual Christmas party this year due to the current pandemic, paralegal Will Sanchez is worried that he will have nowhere to disgrace himself i…
Tag: drunk
Pizza Pizza to start delivering gross slice you only buy because it’s 2am and you’re drunk
TORONTO – With COVID restrictions cutting into their customer base of ‘people who wandered in drunk because they recognized the orange sign’ Pizza Pizza has announced that they …
Local Sommelier just fuckin’ guessing
Niagara, ON – The wine-loving community was shocked today to learn that local Sommelier Jacob Tillaney has been absolutely just fuckin’ guessing every time he gives tasting notes for a bott…
Dry January to be wettest on record
Vancouver, BC — Following a wave of high-pressure this week, meteorologists predict Dry January will be the wettest on record. Up until Tuesday, leading meteorologists predicted that January woul…
Designated driver drunk on power
Phelpston, ON – After an hour at Gabe Newton’s 23rd Birthday Bash designated driver Mark Lougheed, drunk on power, has decreed that he is ready to leave and has decided that all those he br…
Thousand of sober, intelligent art aficionados to enjoy Nuit Blanche by not attending
TORONTO – Citing their devotion to meaningful artistic endeavours, throngs of thoughtful art enthusiasts, who, sources say, are completely in control of their faculties, will be getting the…
Self described “bon vivant” currently vomiting in children’s park
MONTREAL – After what was surely a rousing evening of eating, drinking, and celebrating, local man and self identifying bon vivant Kennedy Allen is currently throwing up in the sandbox of a…
High school graduate taking year off to throw up in exotic locations
TORONTO – Local 12th grade student Lindsay Fleming is planning on taking a year off between high school and university so she can travel around the world, find herself, and puke up booze in…
Hipster alcoholics excited for return of softball season
TORONTO – With the start of community softball, trendy drunks are once again rejoicing at being able to get hammered in public with total immunity. “I bought new cleats and a flat of Red Stripe b…
Judge rules drunken proclamations of love are legally binding marriages
HALIFAX, NS – A Halifax judge has ruled that drunken proclamations of love constitute legal marriages. “Clearly, a drunk can consent to marriage,” reads the decision in the case of a young …