SAN JOSE – Sharks backup goaltender and .895 save percentage holder James Reimer said that he wouldn’t wear a Pride jersey for 10 minutes during warm ups on account of the Bible’…
Tag: Boston Bruins
Leafs finally discover key to success: not being in same division as Boston
TORONTO – Having started the 2021 NHL season with a record of 6-2 the ever disappointing Toronto Maple Leafs believe they have finally found what works for them: no longer having to play th…
Tough NHL players able to play through injuries, civil rights movements
TORONTO – Proving once again that they are the toughest professional athletes on planet Earth, NHL players took to the ice last night, overcoming a litany of injuries and moral qualms about…
Leafs scramble to find more heartwarming ways to lose
TORONTO – In the wake of emergency backup goalie David Ayres’ remarkable victory over them, and the subsequent outpouring of affection for him, the Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to c…
Montreal riots after Boston loss
MONTREAL – Hundreds of rowdy revelers were arrested and businesses were looted in Montreal after an opposing team beat the Boston Bruins to win the Stanley Cup. “We did it!” said Michel Tan…
Rest of Canada relieved they no longer have to cheer for Boston
MONTREAL – With the Boston’s 5-1 victory in game seven of the first round of the NHL playoffs, millions of Canadians expressed relief that they no longer have to passively watch and vindict…
‘Maybe this is the year the Leafs beat Boston,’ says delusional idiot who doesn’t know shit
TORONTO – Local man Dennis Hendricks believes this could be the year the Leafs finally end their playoff losing streak against the Boston Bruins, mostly because he’s a dumb fuck who says du…
Leafs tickets 33% off since team only plays two periods
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs are offering discounted tickets that are two-thirds of the price as the team only seems to play for 40 minutes. The team’s box office has given fans a brea…
Inspiring! Leafs restore normalcy to Toronto by collapsing in playoffs
The Toronto Maple Leafs have restored a sense of normalcy to their city since a deadly attack earlier this week by collapsing in the third period of game seven against the Boston Bruins. “We had …
Montrealers promise they’ll riot only if Canadiens win, lose
MONTREAL – In a brief statement read by mayor Denis Coderre, the citizens of Montreal promised that they would only riot in the event of a win, or of a loss by the Montreal Canadiens agains…