Report: Everyone on subway has B.O.

TORONTO – Sources inside the 9:55 a.m. university line southbound subway have confirmed that everyone on the car does in fact, smell like shit. “Oh god,” said legal secretary Mary Cook, as …

Women and their sweatpants enthralled by Tide’s new Period Stain Guarantee detergent

TORONTO – Tide made waves in the detergent world yesterday when it announced its latest product, which promises to remove period stains from sweatpants, bed sheets, mattresses, and full-butt, nud…

Toronto Police Association: It’s a sad day when an officer can get charged just for beating the fuck out of somebody for no goddamn reason

TORONTO – representatives of the Toronto Police Association say that they are “shocked” and “saddened” that Constable Babak Andalib-Goortani has been found guilty in the brutal assault of G…

PROROGATION UPDATE: Bored Mulcair messes around with beard

OTTAWA – (DAY 3) MP and official leader of the opposition, Thomas Mulcair, spent all of yesterday “gettin’ crazy” with his facial hair confident he’d be able to grow…

Man waffles at pancake house

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Summer team building exercise ruined after Habs team too short for roller coasters

MONTREAL – A morale-building exercise for the Montreal Canadiens ended before it started when players were not permitted on most of the rides at a Montreal amusement p Michel Therrien, the …

Grand Theft Auto V launches

Grand Theft Auto V, the fifth installment in the popular video game series by Rockstar Game, launched today. The game is estimated to have cost $265 million to produce and is expected to bring in…

PROROGATION UPDATE: Harper to spend duration sitting naked in a freezer

OTTAWA – (DAY TWO) In preparation for a month away from the House of Commons, Canada’s Prime Minister has entered the industrial freezer he had installed in the basement of 24 Sussex drive …

Wait, if we get rid of religious headwear, then how will we know who to discriminate against?

BY PAULINE MAROIS Fellow citizens of la Belle Province, let me begin with an appeal to my record as premier. You elected me based on my platform of not being Jean Charest. And haven’t I done exac…

Students find artificial intelligence more useful than actual intelligence

HALIFAX – As students head back to class, they are increasingly aware that the biggest determinant of academic success is the amount of technology that they use. Alphonso Stubler, 22, is an Archi…