NYPD successfully cleans mutant turtles out of sewers
NEW YORK – After almost two decades of mutant sightings in the New York sewers and a lengthy siege, spokespersons for the New York Police Department have reported that a nest of mutant turt…
Washington tourism board promotes beautiful views from its fiscal cliff
WASHINGTON – The United States Tourism Board has launched a campaign encouraging people to witness Washington D.C.’s majestic fiscal cliff as it looms over the nation’s capital and the glob…
Nation wakes up to grim reality that Barack Obama is not President of Canada
CANADA – A disillusioned nation woke up this week to the grim reality that Barack Obama’s re-election victory does not make him the President of Canada. “Wait, oh yeah,” the collective thou…
Paul Ryan to climb own widow’s peak
JANESVILLE, WI – Paul Ryan, the notoriously athletic and daring former vice-presidential candidate, has chosen to relax from the grueling campaign trail by taking on the monumental task of …
Unpatriotic baby cries throughout moment of silence
OTTAWA – Showing what witnesses agree was a complete lack of respect for the Canadian soldiers who lost their lives protecting our nation from foreign threats, an unpatriotic infant cried d…
Voices in man’s head outsourced to India
ABBOTSFORD, BC – Local mental health patient Andrew Wallace, 35, has tolerated hearing voices in his head for years, but says he is now unable to deal with the voices after their upper mana…
Tension leading up to US elections turns out to be mostly sexual
WASHINGTON – In what is being called the largest ever release of pent-up sexual energy, both Democratic and Republican voters engaged in a nation-wide orgy to relieve some of the intense em…
Bored CERN scientists discover what happens to cat in Large Hadron Collider
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Researchers at CERN, left with little to do after completing the majority of experimentation toward the confirmation of the Higgs Boson, put a live cat into the Large …
