NBA refs advance to second round after defeating Raptors
TORONTO – The Toronto Raptors were eliminated from the playoffs after a hard-fought loss to their arch-rivals, the NBA referees. “It was a really tough game. Very physical, and a lot of cal…
Boston Bruins fans thank Donald Sterling for breaking the racist barrier
Inspired by Donald Sterling’s recent racist remarks, the hordes of disappointed and racist Boston Bruins fans took to twitter to voice their displeasure about the race of Montreal Canadiens overt…
Bashar al-Assad buys L.A. Clippers
LOS ANGELES – Following the lifetime ban of owner Don Sterling, the Los Angeles Clippers have announced that their new owner will be Bashar al-Assad, the current President of Syria. “…
New ‘Star Wars’ film casts Hollywood newcomer Mark Hamill
LOS ANGELES – Lucasfilm has released a photo from a recent table read of the new Stars Wars script, revealing the new leads to be John Boyega, Adam Driver, Daisy Ridley, and exciting unknow…
Update: Local man not coming out of toilet stall until the coast is clear
CHILLIWACK, BC – A local man is refusing to come out of a work toilet stall until all of his co-workers have vacated washroom. Andre Hamel, a software developer at HueSoft Ltd, has been hol…
BREAKING: The Beaverton has received a videotape of Rob Ford not smoking crack
TORONTO – In a shocking twist, The Beaverton has received an exclusive video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford not smoking crack cocaine, stumbling drunkenly, or shouting any ethnic slurs. In spite…
Writers of popular Rob Ford dramedy criticized for recurring crack cocaine plot device
TORONTO – Viewership for the once wildly popular primetime show Mayor Ford has been steadily declining after writers used crack cocaine to advance the plot for the second straight season. The awa…
Oklahoma prisons to execute inmates using hot beef injection
OKLAHOMA – A special panel convened following a series of botched executions has announced today that Oklahoma prisons will be replacing the potent chemical cocktail previously used in leth…
Study: Coffee drinkers more likely to live longer lives, but die at a younger age
CAMBRIDGE, MA – A groundbreaking study from the Harvard School of Public Health revealed that coffee drinkers are more likely to live longer lives, but will die at a younger age. “We have r…
