Parliament approves giant spin wheel voting system to make democracy more exciting

OTTAWA — Avoiding the inevitable partisan conflicts on electoral reform, all parties have unanimously agreed to change the first-past-the-post voting system to random selection based on a g…

Blackberry stock rises on report nation’s dads still can’t figure out iPhone

TORONTO – Blackberry stock closed at its highest level in months today after a national report released by McGill University indicated that Canadian fathers are still too stubborn to learn how an…

Generous Trudeau gives each Syrian refugee one free topless pic

OTTAWA – With just over 25,000 Syrian refugees having been allowed into the country, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has enacted an even more generous policy by offering each and every one of…

Crown elects not to proceed with 2nd Ghomeshi trial in order to focus on bungling future assault cases

TORONTO – Citing a pressing need to use resources and manpower on mishandling other sexual assault cases, the Crown has elected not to proceed with the second scheduled trial of former CBC …

Toronto man continues streak of totally meaning to have gone to Hot Docs

TORONTO – Self-dubbed film fanatic Calvin Rows has kept alive his now four-year streak of intending to have gone to the Hot Docs Festival. Rows ensured the streak’s continuation by spending…

Artist living the dream writing art grant proposals

Burlington, ON — Recent Concordia University graduate in visual arts Kerri Breckett is pursuing her creative passion by writing daily art grant proposals to sustain a small, not-for-profit …

Rachel Notley admits to personally starting Fort McMurray wildfire

EDMONTON – After days of dodging important questions from Rebel Media and uncles’ Facebook pages alike, Alberta premier Rachel Notley came clean today and admitted that she intentionally cr…

Mothers gather for annual Festival of Secretly Ripping on Gifts

PARTS UNKNOWN – Mothers worldwide have covertly gathered together for their annual tradition of secretly mocking the gifts they received for Mother’s Day. The ceremony begins with the light…

Dwyane Wade angers Canadians by claiming US won War of 1812 during O Canada

MIAMI — Further angering many Canadians, Miami Heat shooting guard Dwyane Wade has claimed that the United States of America was victorious in the War of 1812 while the Canadian national an…

Report: Oh fuck, Mother’s Day!

OTTAWA—Scientists released a report today indicating that shit! It’s Mother’s Day! Fuck, what time is it? Authors of the report further stated that goddamn it, Mom’s probably already in bed by no…