LOS ANGELES – In an announcement which has stunned the public, Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have split up, citing Jolie’s wish to spend more time expanding her child collection.
“I just woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and said ‘sure I have lots of children…… but I don’t have them all,’” Jolie confessed tearily to Entertainment Weekly. “I realized that I was prioritizing love and companionship with Brad, when what I should have really been focussing on was gathering as many children into my possession as possible.”
Jolie started her collection with an initial set of six: Zahara, Shiloh, Vivienne, Maddox, Pax and Knox. But close friends report that the A-Lister caught the child-collection bug and was always first in line to get the latest children, as soon as they came out. Recent additions include Maddox II, Xerxes, Analaxyx, Shaxfax, Mxyzptlk, and Xxxkxkxkx.
“I know what some people are saying: Brad cheated on me, he has drug use issues,” Jolie continued. “I think we could have gotten past all that. But at the end of the day I really just wanted to get back to what I’m best at and what makes me happiest: assembling an impressive array of children.”
The revelation has since sent shockwaves throughout both the celebrity adoption and impoverished orphanage worlds. Many child-care centres and orphanages have begun boarding up their windows and preparing emergency evacuation procedures in case Jolie visits to feed her insatiable hunger for more children to add to her brood. Other more enterprising families have already issued invitations to the Hollywood star to come see if any of their children meets with her approval.
“Mum sat us down the other day and told us that she and dad weren’t going to be together anymore but that we’d soon have 20 or 30 more brothers and sisters to spend time with in our protective plexiglass containers,” said one of the two children named Gregory Pitt owned by Jolie.
Maddox, known as Pitt the Elder around the home, confirms that his mother has spent much of her time since the announcement making various check-lists in preparation for being newly single, with titles such as: “Continents”, “Hair/Eye Colour Combinations”, and “Rarity?” She has also reactivated her ChildFind Profile, posting: “Looking to trade one Jackson – VF condition or better – for any redhead.”
“I’m actually really happy for Angie,” reported Brad Pitt graciously. “She always saw her acting, humanitarianism, and marriage as something of a distraction from her true passion: the meticulous collection and cataloguing of the world’s children. It’s become kind of an addiction for her and I hope she finds what she’s after.”
In response to the news, Sub-Saharan African countries have re-initialized the “Madonna Protocols” as a protective measure against the coming storm.