World’s climate scientists recommend having only as many children as you plan to eat
GENEVA — The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change put out a statement today advising potential parents to only create and rear as many children as they believe they’ll feasibly be able to co…
Incoming first year students excited to pretend Carleton University was their first choice
OTTAWA – As graduating high school seniors across the country look forward to starting post-secondary education, students from the Carleton University class of 2027 are excited to begin the…
Frustrated facial recognition program has foot fetish
CUPERTINO, CA – Computer scientists were stunned this week when they discovered that the Apple facial recognition program running on your iPhone lives a life of unrequited desire because it…
Report: There’s no College of Satire Writers, so we’re allowed to call Jordan Peterson a hateful little bitch without consequence
TORONTO – The Ontario Divisional Court has upheld the College of Psychologists’ determination that, due to his hateful tweets and comments, training on social media etiquette will be requir…
Elon Musk patiently waits for Zuckerberg to leave his house so he can knock on door and run
San Francisco, CA – Elon Musk has reportedly been waiting outside Mark Zuckerberg’s San Francisco residence until he leaves his house so he can knock on his door and run. “I’m setting up an…
Trudeau assures worried Liberal staffers he will remain influential and wealthy after electoral collapse
OTTAWA – With polls showing Conservatives trouncing the federal Liberals in a hypothetical election, Prime Minister Trudeau reassured worried party staffers that he will suffer almost no lo…
“The Leafs re-signing their best player is bad for them actually,” says brilliant hockey sage
TORONTO – The Leafs and franchise centre Auston Matthews have agreed to a 4 year, 53 million dollar contract extension in a move that numerous experts on twitter and reddit believe has doom…
Hero driver taps lightly on brakes before plowing into cyclist
TORONTO – Onlookers yesterday afternoon were treated to a remarkable display of the very best humanity has to offer, as local driver Jonas Grumby tapped lightly on his brakes while making a right…
10 ways Conservatives are trying to “soften Poilievre’s sharp edges”
Despite riding high in the polls Conservatives are worried that Canadians haven’t exactly warmed up to Pierre Poilievre just yet. So they’re spending a ton of time and money to try to…
Scientists baffled as Kleenex emerges from washing machine intact
WINDSOR – The scientific community is reeling after a Kleenex has allegedly emerged from a heavy-duty wash cycle soft, usable, and not in a gross little clump. According to local resident Michell…
