Hamilton tick infestation fails to combat city’s Torontonian infestation

HAMILTON, ON – As the summer shifts into full swing, Hamilton residents have been placed on high alert with reports that the tick epidemic currently sweeping the city has failed to countera…

Openly sobbing in public entirety of woman’s self-care ritual

ST. JOHN’S, NL – When taking her lunch hour outside on a bench yesterday, Samira Kader devoted the majority of her break to sobbing uncontrollably. Kader asserted that crying in public was …

U2 releases new album on Google Home entitled “Hey Google, turn on all the lights”

DUBLIN – Notable Irish band U2 announced this week that their upcoming album will be released exclusively to Google Home users as a compulsory free download titled “Hey Google, Turn On All …

Canadian Mint running dangerously low on shit to print on quarters

OTTAWA – The Royal Canadian Mint declared a state of crisis this week, announcing that they have nearly run out of ideas for pictures to print on the quarter. “The mint has a proud history …

Aging Canada tells everyone it’s turning 150 again

OTTAWA – Leading up to its July 1st birthday, Canada has been telling people that it is turning 150 for a second year in a row out of fear that it will be thought of as “that gross old coun…

Television cast too attractive

LOS ANGELES – In a wanton disregard for verisimilitude, casting directors announced the leading cast for an upcoming medical drama on Friday, which, according to sources, will feature actor…

Doug Ford cuts millions in education costs by replacing every teacher in Ontario with one retired cop

QUEEN’S PARK – Just days after taking office, Doug Ford has cut education costs in Ontario by firing all 113,672 full time teachers, and replacing them with Gary, a retired cop who has ‘seen some…

Local woman wishes she’d bought more of these pants

VICTORIA – Local pants-wearer Bedelia Katz is furious with herself for not buying more of these pants when she had the chance. “These are the best pants I’ve ever owned,” Katz said. “They’r…

LeBron James announces intention to sign with the Washington Generals

CLEVELAND, OH – In a surprise move this morning, LeBron James officially announced that he will be leaving the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers to sign with the Independent Washington Generals, mo…

Local couple thinking harder than ever about going camping this summer

MONTREAL — Sources say local couple Emily and Mark are spending the long weekend by talking about going camping more seriously than ever. “They’re really going for it this year,…