Toronto Police advise banks to leave big pile of money at the door to avoid being robbed
TORONTO – In response to a growing rash of armed robberies throughout the city, Toronto Police advised Canada’s banks to leave a big pile of money at the door of every branch to avoid being…
Newly discovered cave paintings indicate early humans were stick men
BHOPAL, INDIA — A cache of paintings found in the Bhimbetka caves in the Indian state of Madhya Pradesh is being touted as a paradigm-shifting discovery, positing that proto-humans were actually …
Rogue AI found in Montreal cafe, working on their new script
Montreal, QC – Computer researchers were surprised today to find a rogue artificial intelligence, or AI, on a computer in a Montreal cafe. The researchers say that it had been quietly occup…
Study: Earth will never save enough daylight to retire
MILKY WAY GALAXY – A new study suggests that, despite giving up countless hours of sleep each year, the planet Earth will never accumulate enough daylight to give up its 8760-hour orbit. “W…
In honour of Mulroney, national funeral to be privatized
MONTREAL – In a show of respect to one of Brian Mulroney’s most cherished governing principles as prime minister, his funeral will be privatized. During his nine years as prime minister, Br…
Poilievre threatens snap election over carbon tax hike, citing inability to maintain constant rage farming until 2025
OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre officially introduced a non-confidence motion against Justin Trudeau’s Liberals today, hoping to topple the ruling party in a snap election because, in the opposit…
Why is Gordan Ramsay weeping? He just learned about Jiggs’ Dinner
St. John’s, NFLD– It’s a beautiful day full of sunshine and laughter and–Oh no! What’s that? It’s celebrity chef and TV personality Gordan Ramsay, and he’s crying into a dinner napkin because som…
UPDATE: Royal Family insists Kate has always had 3 hands, and King Charles is with her on a farm in the country
MARCH 18TH UPDATE: Buckingham Palace has re-confirmed reports made last week, saying that not only does Kate Middleton have three hands which she has always had, but that King Charles the Third, …
4 hangover cures that aren’t as good as playing Home for a Rest by beloved Canadian folk rock band Spirit of the West at full volume
We’ve all been there. Nauseous, bleary, remembering that you puked a kiddie pool’s worth of green lager onto your boss’s dog at the St. Paddy’s day staff party. And we all know that the only way …
Mediaeval battering-ram operator reincarnated as guy on bus with backpack
VANCOUVER — Local barista Rob McNair smashed thirty-eight fellow transit riders with his backpack earlier today while acting on unconscious instincts from his previous incarnation as a soldier in…
