New Hallmark movie premiering this month: I Fucked My Christmas Tree

TORONTO – The Hallmark Channel announced a new movie airing this month that has raised some eyebrows. As part of its holiday programming and in an effort to court more viewers, the Hallmark…

Report: This children’s entertainer isn’t Australian

MONTREAL – A nationwide survey of children’s entertainers has made a surprising discovery; family-friendly songwriter Rafe Le Rafe is not an Australian. “Yeah, I grew up in the suburbs and …

Chrystia Freeland steps down after fixing Canadian economy

OTTAWA – Canadian Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland has triumphantly announced her resignation after proclaiming victory over all aspects of Canada’s formerly troubled economy. “I’m a firm belie…

Time Magazine strains definition of “Person”

NEW YORK CITY – Times Magazine has announced that Donald Trump has been named in their latest issue as their Person of the year, stretching the definition of “person” to its absolute limit. “He w…

Trudeau orders end to Canada Post strike after learning Santa Claus not real

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has ordered an end to the ongoing Canada Post strike after learning that Santa Claus, who he was counting on to deliver presents to the entire country…

Trudeau unveils new campaign slogan: “I Got Jordan Peterson to Leave”

OTTAWA — After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government’s allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Tr…

“It’s ‘tax Christmas,’ not ‘tax holiday,’” says local culture warrior

WATERLOO, ON ― With the GST break coming into effect, petty, irate, and aptly-named 46-year-old woman Karen Thorpe recently castigated a teenaged cashier for blaspheming against the Lord by using…

Canadians who support the U.S. annexing us explain why

According to a recent poll, about 13% of Canadians support Donald Trump’s recent suggestion that Canada become the 51st state. Naturally we wanted to ask them “what the fuck is wrong …

Breaking: doctors starting to suspect that women’s bodies work differently than men’s

REGINA, SK – In a groundbreaking speech, Dr. Jeremy Edgar of Fairmont Grover Health Research Institute, delivered new findings that the female body may have innate biological differences th…

Ontario passes bill allowing bike paths that lead to walls with tunnels painted on them

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford’s government successfully passed a bill today allowing municipalities to create bike paths throughout the province so long as they lead to a wall with the …