Toronto residents announce plans to pronounce even fewer letters in word ‘Toronto’
TORONTO – Local residents have announced plans to continue dropping letters from their pronunciation of the name of their city. “In the 50s we made the choice to drop the second T, an…
Vatican won’t bless gay marriage: “God wants gays to have a consensual poly arrangement”
VATICAN CITY – The Vatican has announced their official position that they cannot bless same-sex marriage due to the fact that trapping gay people within an outdated heteronormative institu…
Uber lobbies provincial governments to classify its drivers as livestock
VICTORIA – Uber Technologies Inc. is petitioning provincial governments to enact regulatory changes to allow Uber and other companies to provide gig workers with all the benefits and safety…
2020 first year two women good at directing
HOLLYWOOD – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced this year’s Oscar nominations, including the surprise announcement that, for the first time in history, two women w…
Local man relieved COVID symptoms actually just depression
CALGARY, AB – After displaying numerous symptoms of COVID-19, local accounts manager Bryan Gramble has reported feeling a wave of relief upon discovering all of the symptoms were actually r…
Inflatable tube man wonders if there is more to life than insane car prices
HAMILTON – The inflatable tube man positioned outside Dave’s Used Car Lot is starting to wonder if there is more to life than insane car prices. The air dancer – nicknamed Windy Pete …
EDITORIAL: Antifa spoiled my crops, soured my dairy cows, and fucked my wife
by Mr. Delaware Jackson of Branson, Missouri As a farmer and an American, I’ve had it just about up to here with Antifa attacking my way of life! Before Antifa, everything was perfect: my dairy c…
Alberta’s war room counters “Bigfoot Family” with $50 million production of “Peter the Pipeline”
EDMONTON – Alberta’s Canadian Energy Centre announced its own production of a kid’s movie about an industrious pipeline who dreams of stretching across two countries in response to Netflix’…
Mom calling to ask if you’ll visit soon actually just COVID wearing wig and glasses
BARRIE, ON – Your mom, last seen at a grocery store opening a produce bag with her teeth, called you at 7:45pm to ask when you were going to hop on a Megabus up to Barrie, Ontario to visit.…
Sleepy man just going to lie down on this couch, and whatever happens, happens
GIMLI, MB – After suffering from intense fatigue all morning, local man Gerald Hines has elected to stop trying to control the future and lie down on his couch in the middle of the day. “Th…
