New retirement plan will simply vaporize millennials when they turn 65

TORONTO- To combat the rapidly shrinking amount of jobs that have pensions, alongside wage stagnation and high housing costs that make retirement saving impossible for the majority of young worke…

VPD: If you don’t want to interact with our unvaccinated officers, you can simply flee from all police

VANCOUVER – The Vancouver Police Department is assuring Vancouverites worried about interacting with unvaccinated cops that they always have the option of running away from the police inste…

Theatre-of-the-mind to be demolished for condominium-of-the-mind

THE HUMAN PSYCHE – Despite numerous fundraisers and letter-writing campaigns held to try and save it, the longstanding theatre-of-the-mind, popularly known as the imagination, is set to close nex…

Heroic! This ally promises that the onslaught of transphobia will blow over in a decade or so

In a move that is being referred to as “heroic,” “inspiring,” and “well-intended,” cisgender ally Nicholas Carter reassured trans people today that if they just hang in there for another ten year…

Nova Scotian mall insists giant tree will only eat “3 to 4 kids, max” this Christmas

DARTMOUTH, NS – With international media picking up the story of “the creepiest Christmas tree of 2021”, administrators at Mic Mac Mall have assured shoppers that Woody will consume no more…

Green Party looking for couch to crash on

OTTAWA – With the Green Party potentially shuttering its head office as it struggles with insolvency, sources report that it will be looking for a couch to crash on until it can get back on its f…

Canada announces travel restrictions for vaccines heading to other countries

OTTAWA – In response to the new omicron variant of Covid-19 the Canadian government has announced new travel restrictions, aimed at preventing any vaccines from leaving Canada for other cou…

FILM REVIEW: Squid Game porn parody gets real weird, real quick

HAMILTON – Hi again, loyal readers! I’m here to give you the inside scoop on everything film and I’m thrilled to tell you all that the newly released porn parody of hit Netflix series Squid Game …

Woman starts new life in woods after spelling “recommend” wrong 3 times in a row

MONCTON – Michelle Javernick, nurse and mother of two, walked straight into the lush New Brunswick wilderness this week to restart her life after unsuccessfully attempting to spell “recomme…

Band reunites to play worst album in its entirety

TORONTO – Yesterday, seminal pop-punk act The Pressgang announced the band will reunite next February to play Elipsis – the group’s objectively worst album – in its entire…