Cat watching you scoop litter box with quiet authority of tiny feudal lord
TIMMINS, ON — Upon hearing the unmistakable sound of a scoop dig into a wet clump of litter, three-year-old Muffins Fitzwilliam has climbed atop his cat tree to look down upon you with the quiet,…
Pope takes over empty apology duties from exhausted Trudeau
OTTAWA – After numerous empty apologies to Indigenous Peoples backed by little to no substantive action or restitution, Pope Francis arrived in Canada this week to officially take over empt…
“Why are you still wearing a mask?” asks friend who’s had Covid 3 times
Oshawa, ON – Craig Batherson, your friend from intramural hockey who has gotten Covid nearly every time a new variant has developed, was surprised to see you wearing a mask. “You know…
Federal, provincial, and municipal leaders strike landmark deal to blame each other for housing prices
OTTAWA – Reaching across all 3 levels of Government, the leaders of Canada’s national, provincial, and big city governments have reached a historic deal allowing them to shift the blame for…
Only consolation for homeowners who lost thousands from housing market cooling is the millions they’ve already made
OTTAWA – An Ottawa family is packing up their belongings and moving to what they hope will be their “forever home,” but they’ll be bringing a slightly smaller pile of cash…
BodyBreak duo returns to television for gritty origin story reboot
TORONTO – Netflix Canada announced today that they have signed a deal with BodyBreak creative team Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod to produce a new and updated origin story reboot of the beloved Ca…
Pope Francis closes Commonwealth Stadium mass with 52-yard Hail Mary
EDMONTON, AB – A massive open-air church service held at Commonwealth Stadium concluded when Pope Francis completed a 52-yard Hail Mary in the last few seconds of the mass’ regulation time.…
Feminist Ally only calls his girlfriend hysterical when she is actually on her period
SUDBURY, ON – Proud feminist Brad Daniels revealed that he only uses “hysterical”, a term that labels emotional women as hormonal, when it really is his girlfriend’s time of the month. Brad…
Canada sends Ukraine shipment of duct tape to fix earlier shipment of weapons
OTTAWA, ON- The Canadian government announced it would continue to support Ukrainian forces by sending an entire shipping container of duct tape to the embattled nation to aid in the repairs to t…
“We’re all going to get COVID eventually,” says man about to give you HPV
BRIDGEWATER – There’s no point trying to prevent COVID because we’re all just going to get it eventually, says a man who is perhaps only a few hours away from infecting you with human papil…
