John Tory admits to fucking Toronto

TORONTO – In breaking news, Mayor John Tory has announced his resignation after admitting to fucking Toronto. “It was a serious error of judgment on my part,” the longtime polit…

“Can’t complain,” says cashier who’ll get fired if she complains

TORONTO — Sam Baquiran, cashier at a Shoppers Drug Mart on Pape and Danforth, recently had a customer ask how she was doing. “Can’t complain,” she responded, given that she’ll lose her job if she…

Indie horror film ‘Skinamarink’ explores twisted side of Sharon, Lois, and Bram

EDMONTON – The recently-released indie horror film Skinamarink promises to explore the dark, nightmarish visions behind classic Canadian children’s entertainers Sharon, Lois, and Bram…

Nova Scotia Power clarifies residents can always take their business to another monopoly

HALIFAX – Following frustration in response to Nova Scotia Power’s announcement of a 14% rate hike, the CEO of the province’s energy monopoly insists unhappy customers are free to deal with…

Guinness frantically publishing new world record book every time LeBron scores another basket

LOS ANGELES – Staff at Guinness World Records are scrambling to publish an up-to-date version of their record book every time LeBron James breaks his own all-time scoring record. “It was so excit…

Narcissist sends himself dick pic

MOUNT PEARL, NL – Locally renowned narcissist, Charles Mizzard, has been telling anyone who will listen about the “spectacular” dick pic he sent himself. Many residents have been unable to …

This streamer made sad faces while playing Hogwarts Legacy to show everyone they’re not transphobic

VANCOUVER – In an effort to assure his fans, advertisers, and the internet at large that he is not transphobic, Twitch star John Dalton made certain to make sad faces throughout today’s Hog…

Doug Ford announces 50% of all Ontario surgeries will now be done by his buddy Steve

TORONTO – In an effort to reduce wait times for surgeries in the province of Ontario, Premier Doug Ford has announced that as many as half of all surgeries will now be handled by his good b…

Crying character in movie can’t find perfect wall to slide down

FAKE NEW YORK – Emma Sanford, a character in the recent Netflix romcom Here And/Or There who recently experienced an upsetting breakup, has reported being unable to find the perfect wall to…

The Last Of Us producers reveal VFX needed to make Calgary look less post-apocalyptic

CALGARY – Producers of HBO’s post apocalyptic series The Last Of Us recently revealed how shooting in Calgary forced them to use VFX to hide the city’s bleaker wasteland aspects. The series…