5 Sarah Polley films to watch if you want to honour a great Canadian artist and have your day absolutely fucking ruined
Having taken home the Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar for Women Talking, Sarah Polley has officially graduated from precocious Canadian tv star to full Hollywood royalty. And if you want to check o…
UPDATE: Gerbil has already surpassed your fitness goals
TORONTO – Brandi Bepple was shocked to discover her daughter’s gerbil, Peanut, has already surpassed her 2023 fitness goals, despite her extensive preparation and detailed vision boarding. Bepple…
Man finally gets around to last month’s HelloFresh box
EDMONTON – Sources in Jason Freeman’s apartment have reported that the 28-year-old accountant is finally finishing up the HelloFresh meal kit that arrived over four weeks ago. “Jason just let the…
Fantasy Manager who drafted Tage Thompson won’t shut the fuck up about it
VANCOUVER – Local coworkers are expressing frustration as one member of their fantasy hockey league, Dave Henson in Sales, won’t stop bragging for 10 goddamned seconds about his late-pick d…
Due to inflation, Newfoundland time zone now 45 minutes past the hour
ST JOHN’S – The Government of Newfoundland and Labrador this week announced that after adjustments for inflation, Newfoundland’s time zone will be shifted to 45 minutes past the hour. Prem…
Liberals assure Canadians they would never lie about something as important as our elections
OTTAWA – As allegations continue to mount about how much Justin Trudeau and the Liberals knew about China interfering in our elections, the party that promised to institute electoral reform…
Last shred of joy taxed 6.3% more
OTTAWA – The federal government has announced a new 6.3% tax on beer, wine, and all other alcoholic spirits that represent the last fragment of happiness in your otherwise pointless existen…
McDonald’s releases Big Mac Sauce-flavoured lube
Brantford, ON – McDonald’s just announced the release of its new Big Mac sauce-flavoured personal lubricant. Following the success of the Chicken Big Mac and Big Mac sauce dip, the fast-food gian…
Lesbian couple grocery shopping not aware their existence is a political statement
KITCHENER, ON – Local lesbian couple Maggie Chaney and Marianne Mathams recently created a sociopolitical stir in a No Frills by engaging in the bold act of being homosexuals out in the wor…
Conservatives explain why we need private healthcare
As more Conservative lead provinces move towards a two tier healthcare system despite Universal Healthcare being extremely popular with Canadians, we asked some politicians why the move was neces…
