VICTORIA – Leading bird scientists worldwide have released a joint statement out of the International Ornithological Society confirming a long-standing weakness in their field of study: none of t…
Science and Technology
Newly announced BlackBerry phone set to disrupt 2006 tech market
AUSTIN, TX – Mobile security brand OnwardMobility announced today that they will be launching a new version of the BlackBerry phone. Early reports from tech analysts say the device could sh…
Uranus tired of being a punchline, would like to explore its dramatic side
OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM – The seventh planet from the sun is done being treated as a joke and is demanding humanity start taking it and its dramatic aspirations seriously. “Neptune doesn’t have …
Lonely man sad to have no matches on contact tracing app
WINDSOR, ON – In the throes of late-stage quarantining Robert Greene, 55, advanced his long-lasting search for love and romance by downloading the widely spreading COVID-19 contact tracing …
Fascinating! Scientists reconstruct what historical figures really looked like and they all look like Steve Buscemi
Ever read about a historical figure and think, gee, what did they actually look like? Well, scientists have gotten to work on creating accurate reconstructions of what some historical figures loo…
Report: Best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while asking “is the dishwasher on?”
WINNIPEG – An official report from the Government of Canada states the best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while simultaneously asking “is the dishwasher on?” “The r…
Scientist invents time travel to mock people in 2016 who thought things were bad then
WATERLOO, ON – Quantum physicist Agnes Chevrier announced in a press conference today that not only has she invented time travel, but she had already achieved her purpose in inventing it, w…
Nation’s grandmas ready to bust through the glass and kiss some fucking grandkids
CANADA – The country’s Grandma’s, Bubbies, Oma’s, Nai Nai’s, Abuela’s and Nonna’s are collectively sick of these COVID-19 ‘through the glass visits’ preventing them from kissing their fucki…
Printer Finally Admits: I Had More Toner In Me
VICTORIA – This week in a remarkable display of altruism an HP Tango X Laserjet sent shockwaves through the stationary scene when it admitted its ‘low toner’ alert was a bold-faced-lie. Wit…
Hubble Telescope turns 30, wonders if entire universe is all there is
LOW EARTH ORBIT – A week after celebrating 30 years of documenting the cosmic majesty of the universe, the Hubble Space Telescope is struggling with feelings of ennui and contemplating if a…