NASA warns alien life may not be fuckable - The Beaverton

NASA warns alien life may not be fuckable

WASHINGTON – Following a recent uptick in UFO interest, NASA cautioned curious citizens against the notion that extraterrestrial life will be sexually desirable.

NASA’s interstellar sexual health spokesperson, Clarice Kravult, decried the golden age of Sci-fi in the 60s and 70s for creating unrealistic templates for attractive aliens: 

“Horny writers who were paid by the word to appeal to teenagers set a standard that lingers to this day,” Clarice explained. “Do not expect aliens to be ageless nymphic figures that are fascinated by our naive ways, or statuesque stoic warriors who somehow find nebbish heroes charming.”  

Mrs. Kravult sternly condemned the popular assumption that aliens will be attractive humanoids with quirky secondary traits, “What would be the evolutionary advantage for having cat-like eyes or tentacle hair? Seriously?”

NASA released an accompanying document to inform citizens who await close encounters of the carnal kind of the wide variety of unappealing phenotypes that could exist in the universe:

 “It is entirely possible that first contact takes places with insectoid creatures who lay thousands of glittering eggs. A self-reproducing slime would also have no use for our rudimentary genitals. If the aliens are a gaseous sprite that communicates telepathically, where would you even… how?”

NASA later clarified that this announcement is the first step to preparing humanity for intergalactic relations:  

“There’s a pervasive idea that our repulsive meat-based species, full of blood pus and other fluids, can somehow put on a star fleet uniform and charm one that has gotten its shit together and explored the stars… We don’t want your baser instincts to embarrass us in front of the intergalactic community.”   

For now, faced with the dark expanse of an empty sky, humanity can only dream.