VICTORIA – After months of deliberation and strenuous debate, an expanse of winter leg hair located on the lower half of Hannah Angelopoulos has now been classified as old growth by the Uni…
Science and Technology
NASA warns alien life may not be fuckable
WASHINGTON – Following a recent uptick in UFO interest, NASA cautioned curious citizens against the notion that extraterrestrial life will be sexually desirable. NASA’s interstellar s…
Rock collectors line up at Mount Etna for latest product release
CATANIA – Following the announcement that Mount Etna, the Sicilian stratovolcano, has erupted again in a dazzling show of light and lava, rock collectors from around the world are clamberin…
Mars rover fined for non-essential travel
SACRAMENTO, CA – California Governor Gavin Newsom announced yesterday that the Mars Rover, Perseverance, was going to have to pay a significant fine for breaking the COVID-19 rules on non-e…
Experts baffled after so many lives enriched by Reddit
NATIONWIDE – Following the success of the Gamestop short-squeeze largely instigated by the r/wallstreetbets subreddit, many experts are amazed to witness the website acting as a positive fo…
Made-in-Canada vaccine is honestly just happy to be here
NATIONWIDE – A made-in-Canada vaccine has begun human clinical trials this week and sources reveal that it’s just happy to be in the mix. “I guess we’re a little late to the party, eh?” sai…
COVID vaccine gives hope to hundreds who love arguing about vaccines
NATIONWIDE – With the current rollout beginning for the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, many people across the country are excited about the chance to have bitter arguments about the safety and ef…
Sony pulls broken, glitching Cyberpunk 2077 game, rebrands it as Cyberpunk 2020
SAN MATEO, CA – Following reports that its newly-released Cyberpunk 2077 game has been riddled with release problems and frustrating glitches, Sony has pulled the game from its online store…
Typo leads NASA to plan mission to Mark
HOUSTON – Following a copyediting oversight in NASA’s annual budget request, the U.S. government has approved financing for the space agency to conduct its first manned mission to Mark. The…
Elon Musk unveils advanced mining drill that goes deep enough to pull his head out from his ass
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced plans for a new thermo-mining drill today that would have the capacity to drill deep enough to pull his head out of his ass. “Today i…
