“I couldn’t be prouder of our legislature for having the bravery to finally stop the insidious evil of science from taking root in the halls of our educational system,” DeSantis proclaimed, “Now our children will not be exposed to the still unproven theory of ‘Science’ until they are old enough to understand its subtleties, which for our purposes will be anyone 39 years old or younger.”
The Bill, which will prevent any teaching of ‘science’ or ‘science-like’ concepts to Florida students, has been met with wide approval with conservatives in the state tired of their children coming home with awkward questions about gravity, magnetism, and trees. Sources say that the push for the bill came from those who felt that the recent ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill did not deny empirical reality quite as much as Floridians would have hoped.
“We’re gonna stick to the tried and true stuff like Creationism, Intelligent Design, and Shame,” DeSantis remarked confidently, “we need kids to understand that school is about tellin’ stuff, not askin’ stuff.”
“And before anyone starts up with the notion that this is typical of “backwards ol’ Florida” or some such nonsense, we will absolutely be teaching alternative theories as well, like magic or devils,” he continued, “the last thing we need here are a bunch of shameless predators in lab coats trying to groom our precious children with science.”
Republicans are hopeful that the bill will push exposure to science to post-secondary institutions which, fingers-crossed, will have lower and lower enrollment as the bill impacts future generations. Extra-curriculars like math clubs or space camp have already felt the burn with families instead opting to send their children to upstart programs such as Eating Contest Camp or Huffing-Gas-Behind-the-Mini-Mall Academy.
DeSantis concluded, “If we really stick to our guns with these changes, we may be able to do away with school altogether and return Florida to what it once was: a festering swampland of disease and insects. You know? Its natural state.”