EDMONTON – Because the COVID vaccine generally causes soreness in the arm it’s injected into, Dr. Alex Hall has been advising Canadians to get it in their non-masturbation arm. “Many Canadians ar…
Pandemic
Polyamorous NACI officials recommend mixing and matching vaccines, partners
TORONTO — Canada’s National Advisory Committee on Immunization (NACI) updated its guidelines this week to indicate that doses of the Moderna, Pfizer, and AstraZeneca vaccines can be safely combin…
Man too embarrassed to finally ask what COVID is
SASKATOON – 33-year-old Jackson Shepherd still doesn’t know what COVID is and is now way too embarrassed to ask about it. “When I got back from a camping trip last year everyone was talking about…
Ontarians thrilled case numbers down to level that would have terrified them in September
ONTARIO – With daily new cases of Covid-19 now consistently falling below 1200, Ontario citizens are celebrating despite the fact that these numbers would have had them peeing their pants b…
Anti-lockdown protestors compare Canada to the Nineteen Eighty-Four Wikipedia page
WINNIPEG – As anti-lockdown rallies continue in COVID hotspots across the country, several protestors compared the public health measures to the totalitarian ideology summarised on the Wikipedia …
Neat! This person who didn’t take the lockdown seriously is about to get vaccinated before you
TORONTO, ONT – Local resident, Tom Anderson, who didn’t follow any lockdown rules, is about to get vaccinated before you. Awesome! “This pandemic has been very hard,” began Anderson, who ju…
BC apologizes for poor communication, says next pop-up vaccine clinic can be found “when moon and sun intertwine, where waters meet mountain’s spine”
VANCOUVER — After poor communication this week left dozens of people waiting hours for vaccines they would never get, BC Health Minister Adrian Dix formally apologized during the province’s lates…
Nova Scotia baffles experts by listening to them about lockdown, actually doing lockdown
HALIFAX – Experts are puzzled after scientists proposed a 2 week emergency lockdown, only to have Nova Scotian premier Rankin actually institute it, rather than ignoring them, lying to them…
Ford confident he can defeat public health crisis with civil rights crisis
TORONTO – Following a massive increase in COVID cases in Ontario, Premier Doug Ford has decided that the best way to defeat this unprecedented threat to human life is with an equally unprec…
Canada approves another vaccine that you won’t get for like six months
OTTAWA – The Canadian government is pleased to announce that Health Canada has approved AstraZeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine, yet another vaccine that most Canadians won’t have access…
