WINNIPEG — Forty-four year-old Mark O’Shea crossed a major milestone this month, saving nine years of accumulated time by repeatedly referring to 7-Eleven as “Sev.” “As a kid, I found it took for…
Lifestyle
Man whose dick you have to suck to get a drink around here finally identified: Marty Williams of Scarborough
SCARBOROUGH — After decades of the question being asked by frustrated bar patrons, the identity of the man whose dick you have to suck to get a drink around here has been definitively identified …
Local dryer really making a meal out of this “Your laundry is done” jingle
Basement, Toronto – Your new Maytag washing machine has spent the last 2 minutes playing a longer than necessary tune to alert you that the laundry is done. “It really could have just been…
How to Live, Laugh, Love when you want to Leave, Laze and Loathe
OTTAWA – Don’t feel like living, laughing or loving? You’re not alone. Despite the barrage of well-meaning mugs, throw pillows and rustic signs, StatsCan says 87% of Canadians would much rather l…
Breaking: This person has practiced for more than 10,000 hours and still sucks
TORONTO – Tim Ponsly, a local drummer who recently hit the 10,000 hours of practice needed to be regarded by many professionals as a master of his craft, still sucks. “Very few have reache…
Modern Renaissance man? This guy is a painter AND a geocentrist
EDMONTON – According to local sources, polymath Alan Fowler never ceases to amaze everyone he meets with his incredible artistic talent, deep knowledge of classical literature, and unshakeable be…
Damp-hand fetishist introduces himself to people coming out of public restrooms
WINNIPEG — Martin Melnyk reportedly spent Saturday at The Forks, a popular local mall, introducing himself to people emerging from the washrooms, hoping to find someone willing to shake his hand.…
Buffoonery anticipated as man laden with food and drink attempts to enter hammock
CALGARY – Local bumbler Kevin Hurst is planning to enter his hammock with a variety of easily spilled snacks and beverages, prompting onlookers and analysts to anticipate a series of zany hijinks…
“Did a thing!” posts white woman who has either cut her hair or invaded the nation of Kosovo
WINNIPEG – Friends and family of Jennifer Higgens reacted with trepidation after the 32-year-old tweeted that she “did a thing” this past Saturday afternoon, unsure if their loved one had e…
“Sorry my place is so messy!” says friend whose floor is cleaner than your only plate
KINGSTON, ON – In a moment that could only be described as “a heartbreaking revelation of her own filth,” local woman Amanda Gessele was welcomed into the home of college friend Suzanne Tuf…