The government has approved several COVID vaccines for widespread use, and lots of us are debating which one we should get. Worry no longer, because I did the dirty work for you: I got my hands o…
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RETRO ATTACK! Jordan Peterson is back after someone mistakenly fed him after midnight
Everything old is new! Author, professor, and father figure for adult men who still wet the bed and then refuse to shower afterwards because “urine is sterile”, Jordan Peterson is back in the pub…
Which vax tracks and which ones are hacks? Our intern tries ALL the new Covid vaccines!
Hey there! Beaverton intern Alex Barnes here! Thanks to the Beaverton, I recently got the chance to try ALL the hot new COVID-19 vaccines in one WILD afternoon (don’t try this at home, y’al…
Goals! How these two millennials managed to buy a home in Toronto
TORONTO – The Toronto housing market is on fire right now, but these two millennials still managed to afford a home in the city with a few easy tricks! “We were both able to monetize how we…
Quiz: Was seeing Jean Chretien choke a guy your sexual awakening or are you normal?
While most young people experience sexual awakenings as a result of cute movie stars, attractive musicians, or even neighbourhood hotties, a population of Canadians were lucky enough to have Jean…
Heartbreaking: this hot guy was only texting with you because he needs clean piss
Local woman Jessica Long fell under the spell of a hot young man, Ryan (last name unknown) in the summer, immediately taken with his every reply and Finger 11 song recommendations. Jessica quickl…
Oh no! I learned my attachment style and it’s Clippy from Microsoft Word
I had been struggling with relationships for a while. No matter how hard I’ve tried or how detached I’ve tried to be, those I’ve loved have left me or I’ve pushed them away. That’s when someone c…
Move over, sourdough! There’s a new culinary trend in lockdown – bathtub wine!
With Ontario now in its second lockdown of the COVID-19 pandemic, the popularity of homemade sourdough has fallen just as quickly as our loaves rose (sometimes). But no need to fret. There is a n…
Wanna feel old? Your childhood dog is dead and everything you care about is meaningless
Hey Millennials! Isn’t McDonalds still selling pizza? Aren’t acid washed jeans still in style? Aren’t we all enjoying life in its simple banality? Sorry fam, but the bogus truth is that time cont…
Innovation win! Schoolyard bully thriving as cyberbully
CAMBRIDGE, ON – Another win for innovation! This former schoolyard bully is thriving as a cyberbully. Carter O’Leary, a local 10 year old student and former low-ranking schoolyard bully at …
