CAMBRIDGE, ON – Another win for innovation! This former schoolyard bully is thriving as a cyberbully. Carter O’Leary, a local 10 year old student and former low-ranking schoolyard bully at St Mary’s elementary school has been leaving behind the days of coming up with insults on the fly and putting his personal safety at risk in order to steal lunch money.
“It took moving to zoom class to realize how antiquated my practices were,” said the young man, clad in impressive bronze knuckles. “So, like any fan of Elon Musk, I innovated.”
To O’Leary, the changes seem obvious now that he’s thriving.
“Before, I would spend 15-25 minutes a day wrangling crumpled $5 bills out of my classmate’s socks, now I can threaten to dox up to 20 kids at once until they Venmo me Bitcoin.” He credits many of his innovations to new lifestyle changes and healthy habits. “Not having to wake up at six means that I’m well-rested all the time. My brain is operating at max capacity. I’ve added raw meat to my diet of hot Cheetos and whole milk. Anything to make me stronger, to make me the beast they fear.”
Though O’Leary started as a mere giver of wedgies in the locker room, he’s now giving something bigger than wedgies – total mental torture. Through social media, he’s been able to learn details of his peers’ lives that allow him to craft insults that can leave them in anguish for years! Some of the highlights include “fish molester”, “top fan of Linkin Park on Facebook”, and most notably, accusing his classmates of hailing from Winnipeg, Manitoba. The kids cannot get enough of O’Leary’s jests! What an innovative commitment to making sure every child experiences the joys of therapy!
Most recently, O’Leary has wrangled his social studies teacher into legally signing half her retirement away to him by threatening to release photoshopped images of her on Epstien’s island. Go Carter! Nothing is better than seeing Canadians innovate!