OTTAWA — The National Capital Commission has called in professional paranormal exterminators to deal with several poltergeists haunting the now-derelict official residence of the Prime Mini…
Anthopolous rejects Rogers contract after realizing it only comes with 150 long distance minutes
TORONTO – The Blue Jays have announced the departure of General Manager Alex Anthopolous due to a contract dispute in which Rogers was only able to promise him 150 long distance minutes. “A…
WHO report convinces chain smoker to give up red meat
TORONTO – Citing a new study from the World Health Organization linking red and processed meats to cancer, lifelong smoker Sofia Vial has vowed to never again eat bacon, ham, sausages, steak, or …
Justin Trudeau files 35 million workplace harassment complaints against Canada
OTTAWA – Less than one week after guiding his party to a surprise majority in the federal election, Prime Minister-designate Justin Trudeau has already filed 35 million workplace harassment compl…
Justin Trudeau returns to 24 Sussex to find his old crusty socks
OTTAWA — Prime Minister-designate Justin Trudeau had time to visit his old childhood homestead where he found his secret pair of old crusty socks. The pair of stained yellow Hanes socks wit…
Gilles Duceppe quits Bloc leadership to seek Bloc leadership again
MONTREAL — Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe has announced his resignation so that he may seek a third term as Bloc Quebecois leader. “My friends, I take full responsibility for the part…
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
Despite the results being posted two days ago, Sun newspaper outlets have steadfastly denied the existence of a Liberal majority government and have continued to assume Conservative leader Stephe…
Anthropologists radiocarbon date current Conservative platform to 18th century
LONDON, ON — A group of scientists from the University of Western Ontario have successfully radiocarbon dated the Conservative Party’s platform ideas and policies to sometime around the 178…
Series of squiggly lines on graph to determine swing voter’s choice
SURREY — A series of coloured squiggly lines presented on a neat graph will determine how many undecided voters will cast their ballot. Becky Lui, 27, is having a hard time determining whic…
Globe and Mail heroically defend country’s most vulnerable rich by endorsing Conservatives
TORONTO — In what is being called an act of steadfast principle to the nation’s vulnerable wealthy class, the Globe and Mail has endorsed the Conservative Party for the 2015 federal electio…