TORONTO – Loblaws announced this week that it will lower its record-breaking prices once the Toronto Maple Leafs stumble their way into a third round victory for the first time in their franchise…
4 hangover cures that aren’t as good as playing Home for a Rest by beloved Canadian folk rock band Spirit of the West at full volume
We’ve all been there. Nauseous, bleary, remembering that you puked a kiddie pool’s worth of green lager onto your boss’s dog at the St. Paddy’s day staff party. And we all know that the only way …
Law & Order Toronto criticized as unrealistic after showing Toronto Police trying to solve crimes
TORONTO – The Law & Order order spinoff series set in Toronto is being described highly unrealistic, as it depicts the Toronto Police repeatedly attempting to actually solve crimes and…
Buckingham Palace struggling to enforce Return to Office policy
LONDON – Staffers at Buckingham Palace are frustrated that the Royal Family will not comply with orders to return to on-site work. “I know that we all got used to working remotely during lo…
Boeing whistleblower found dead in Boeing plane that spontaneously combusted
CHARLESTON, SC – Boeing employee-turned-whistleblower John Barnett was found dead this weekend after the Boeing plane he was in spontaneously combusted. Barnett was taking the flight to take part…
Previously retired CanadARM bagging groceries to make ends meet
REGINA, SK – Due to rising food prices, inflation, and the general cost of living, the formerly-retired CanadaARM1 has rejoined the workforce by taking on a part-time job at Loblaws. “A lot…
Court declares Jordan Peterson has to take “how not to be an asshole” class
TORONTO – The Court of Appeal for Ontario has rejected noted psychologist and asshole Jordan Peterson’s attempt to avoid attending an anti-assholery class required by the College of Psychol…
Parliament’s Elf On The Shelf turns out to be Pierre Poilievre in a little scarf
OTTAWA – Shockwaves spread throughout the House this week when staffers realized that the vaguely threatening elf watching their every move was actually the leader of the Opposition in a fe…
Suicide Bomber would rather live than fly Air Canada, again
WINNIPEG – Aspiring suicide bomber William Pettinger is expressing frustration at his inability to live out his dreams due to ongoing frustrations with Air Canada. “I would love nothing mor…
Local intellectual pumped to spend two weeks saying, “Um, I think you mean American Thanksgiving”
VANCOUVER – Local genius and free thinker Andy Hammond is amped to spend the next several weeks reminding his American friends and relatives that the holiday they are about to celebrate in …
