WINDSOR — Local cat Furvel Mittenpaws has sent shockwaves through the Watson household after deliberately knocking over the family’s swear jar in an act of pure malice. “That son of a bitch knew …
BREAKING: Makers of 9-in-1 body wash admit it’s just laundry detergent
OTTAWA — In a stunning revelation that has shaken the personal care industry to its core, the makers of Düush+, a popular men’s 9-in-1 body wash, have admitted that the product is actually just l…
CRA knows home office being used for non-work purposes, you fucking liar
OTTAWA — The Canada Revenue Agency confirmed this week that it is fully aware you’ve been using your home office for non-work purposes, you fucking liar. “Do you think we’re stupid? Are we just c…
Waiter obligingly pours sample of restaurant’s cheapest wine
OAKVILLE, ON — Waiter Mark Graham shocked staff and patrons at local fusion seafood hotspot Gastropod over the weekend when he obligingly poured out a sample of the restaurant’s cheapest wine. “U…
Mom successfully convinced ashtray is for guest use only
WINDSOR — Crisis was averted over the weekend when local cashier Jennifer Pratt successfully convinced her mother that the ashtray in her living room is for guest use only. “Usually I’m meticulou…
Alley behind church unholiest place in town
INNISFIL — A recent survey of local satanists has revealed that the alley behind St. Barnabas Catholic Church is officially the unholiest place in town, edging out the slaughterhouse, the abandon…
Upscale cookbook assumes you can afford food
VANCOUVER — Celebrity chef Walton Fisch is facing widespread criticism for his latest cookbook, Fresh Fisch, which assumes its readers can afford to buy food. Virtually every recipe in the book c…
Unworn shirt just happy to be part of vacation wardrobe
WINNIPEG — After failing to make it out of the hotel room on a recent trip to Honolulu, insurance broker Dave Watt’s paisley button up shirt says it’s just happy to be part of the vacation wardro…
Man with exposed brain tissue still not convinced he needs to see doctor
TORONTO — Local mechanic Jason Pringle is refusing to seek medical attention after sustaining a severe head wound that has left a portion of his brain exposed. “It’s nothing, really. I’d just be …
Crazed pescatarian won’t stop until she tastes the flesh of every known sea creature
SARNIA — Local pescatarian Chelsea Duke has vowed to taste the flesh of every known sea creature, and authorities warn that she should be considered armed and dangerous. “Ms. Duke is believed to …