OTTAWA – Officials from the Federal Body Inspection agency have announced that Special Agent Bradley Carmichael has been stripped of his rank and discharged after being enmeshed in a corruption s…
Lazy scientists announce there are probably several kinds of squirrels but they move too fast to be sure
OTTAWA – The Canadian Society of Sluggish Scientists (not to be confused with the Canadian Society of Slug Scientists) has announced via press release that they’re pretty sure there are many kind…
Conscientious driver slows to 30 km/h in school zone while hitting children with car
EDMONTON – In an effort to be the most responsible driver he can possibly be, John Carnaby is making sure he obeys the speed limit when he cruises through school zones and beans kids with his 201…
Restaurant lets customer pick lobster they want to fuck
HALIFAX – To the delight of its longstanding customers, Jimmy’s Seafood and Steak Shack has recently installed a 200 galleon tank full of live lobsters so customers can have their pick of which o…
“It feels like it comes earlier every year,” says premature ejaculator
TORONTO – As shopping malls and grocery stores switch to Christmas music and eager neighbours begin putting up decorations, local accountant Thomas Muncy has told reporters that he’s ejaculating …
World holds its breath as North Carolina elects new agriculture commissioner
RALEIGH – Hundreds of millions of onlookers worldwide have turned their eyes to North Carolina, where international journalists have been embedded for weeks to report on every twist and turn of t…
Fall festival just summer festival with scarecrow
AIRDRIE – Airdrie’s annual Harvest Festival is clearly just the town’s annual Summer Carnival with some scarecrows and hay bales thrown in, according to underwhelmed sources. “Look, they crossed …
Lame-ass ghost turns out to be metaphor for grief instead of a cool chain-rattling guy
OTTAWA – Allison Carver, who has recently experienced a series of paranormal events in her home, has told reporters that she was disappointed to discover she’s undergoing a boring, metaphorical h…
Ottawa sends yearly reminder to rest of NHL that it has a hockey team too
OTTAWA – With another NHL season about to commence, the Ottawa Senators have once again reminded the rest of the league that they exist and are equipped to play hockey. “Hi guys, it’s us again, …
Air Canada pilots threaten to continue operating Air Canada flights until their demands are met
MONTREAL – In an effort to secure stronger wages, Air Canada pilots are vowing to make Canadians continue to fly Air Canada unless they are granted significant raises. “With no breakthroughs emer…