TORONTO – Following an interview in which he claimed that Nelson Mandela was one of the athletes he grew up watching, Toronto Maple Leafs goalie Jonathan Bernier went on to state his admira…
Jian Ghomeshi not entirely turned on by Toronto Police’s handcuffs
TORONTO – After being released on bail Wednesday afternoon, sources say disgraced CBC radio personality, Jian Ghomeshi, was not as turned on by the Toronto Police handcuffs as he had expected to …
Wal-Mart declares in-store murder legal on Black Friday
BENTONVILLE, AR – Based on the success of the recent Purge film series, retail giant Walmart has announced that, on Black Friday, all crimes, including murder, that are committed in Walmart…
Grand jury investigation finds that Ferguson officer was white
FERGUSON, MI – Following an intense, months-long investigation into the police shooting of 18 year-old Michael Brown, a St. Louis county grand jury has discovered Officer Darren Wilson was …
Report: Mark Messier somewhere inside the house
North Bay, ON – Although there has been no confirmed sighting, the Cameron family are convinced that NHL legend and friendly faced Rogers spokesman Mark Messier is somewhere in their house,…
Leader of rat colony disgusted by TTC overcrowding
TORONTO – After being displaced by the continuing construction work at Toronto’s Union station, the leader of Ontario’s largest rat colony today expressed his disgust at the current level o…
Man who has never been to independent bookstore furious over its closing
VICTORIA, B.C. – Local man Stephen Dewitt is reportedly furious over the closing of independent bookstore ‘Moby Dickens’ despite having never financially supported the business in any form.…
Stock market soars after banking cartel promises to keep pretending economy is real
Investors poured cash into the markets as central bank leaders from around the world met this week and announced that they would continue to maintain the illusion that the economic system was som…
Local pumpkin excited to find out what Jack-o-Lantern is
WHITBY — A delighted local pumpkin has expressed mounting excitement about getting to see his first Jack-o-Lantern this Halloween. “From the minute they [the Henderson family, the pumpkin’s purch…
Reporters worried nation of Vimy Ridge, Kandahar has lost its innocence
OTTAWA – According to numerous international columnists, the recent murder of soldier Nathan Cirillo and the subsequent shootout in Parliament have caused the nation of Canada, which has fo…
