PARIS – Following the decision by FIFA judges to punish the Canadian women’s soccer organization for illegally surveilling their opponents’ practice, the International Olympic C…
Loblaws introduces new “Bread Price-Fixing Settlement” fee to all customers
BRAMPTON, ON – Following news that Loblaws will settle a class-action bread price fixing suit for $500 million, the company has announced that all products sold in their stores will now car…
Aides explaining to confused Trudeau how unpopular leader dropped re-election bid
OTTAWA – Aides to Prime Minister Trudeau have reportedly spent several hours attempting to explain how Joe Biden, a similarly left-leaning incumbent with low polling numbers, actually willi…
Trump campaign desperately hoping Democrats replace Biden with a different frail 81-year-old
WASHINGTON DC – With Joe Biden announcing his plans to drop out of the US presidential race, Donald Trump’s campaign has publicly asked the Democrats to nominate a similarly ineffectu…
Canadians fail to notice difference as global IT outage disrupts airlines, banks, health care
OTTAWA – As a global tech outage disrupts operations in multiple industries, including airlines, banks, and health care, citizens across Canada have reported assuming that the poor service …
Biden assures Democrats COVID diagnosis won’t stop him from losing election
WASHINGTON DC – Following an announcement that he has contracted COVID-19 for a second time, US President Biden has assured worried Democratic lawmakers that this diagnosis will not impede …
Panicked Ford works to resolve LCBO strike before conservative voters sober up
QUEEN’S PARK – In the wake of an LCBO strike, Premier Doug Ford has reportedly been working around the clock to secure Ontarian’s access to hard liquor, as keeping conservative …
Supreme Court rules Trump can and probably should shoot someone on 5th Avenue
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a 6-3 ruling, the United States Supreme Court ruled that former President Donald Trump not only has full immunity from prosecution for any gun murders he might commit, …
WestJet introduces $25 fee every time Canadians say “WestJet” out loud
CALGARY – With WestJet now charging a $25 fee to book flights over the phone, the airline has also announced they will now charge a similar $25 fee every single time a person in Canada utte…
Man shocked to discover product in parents’ home not manufactured by Kirkland
HALIFAX – While visiting his retired parents, William MacInnis was flabbergasted to discover a single jar of pickles which, unlike every single other product in the house, did not bear the …