VANCOUVER- Authorities and loved ones of local woman Ashley Calpeski became concerned last week when she stopped saying self-deprecating things about herself and started being no fun. “Ashley is…
Winter leg hair declared old growth by UNESCO
VICTORIA – After months of deliberation and strenuous debate, an expanse of winter leg hair located on the lower half of Hannah Angelopoulos has now been classified as old growth by the Uni…
Warner Bros. adds additional boob shots to new Tom and Jerry movie to adhere to HBOMax guidelines
HOLLYWOOD – After the announcement that Warner Bros. is set to stream their 2021 lineup on HBOMax, news surfaced that the remake of cat-and-mouse classic Tom and Jerry, must adhere to the c…
Fighting fish awfully aggressive for a Beta
COQUITLAM, BC – The residents of the Chung household were in shock last week as the most recent addition to their family, a fighting fish named Stanley, began acting hostile towards them de…
Local friends get engaged just to spite you
OTTAWA – Your friends Daryl Hoover and Cheyenne Klein, who have spent all quarantine posting pictures of each other on social media, have decided to get engaged as a vengeful move against y…
Colony of mask pimples enter industrial revolution
KINGSTON- Anthropologists were left stunned last week as the colony of mask pimples they had been monitoring advanced past the agrarian stage and entered their own industrial revolution. “It’s re…
Where are all these Covid parties and why am I not invited?
by Bridgette Moi The recent spike of Covid-19 cases in Vancouver has people worried, and believe me, I am too. People are gathering on boats, in clubs, and in houses, throwing parties and probabl…
Vancouver patios install scarecrows to ward off young people
VANCOUVER – Due to the recent spike in Covid-19 cases among people under 40, Vancouver restaurants have resorted to installing scarecrows on their patios in hopes that it will deter the hoa…
Local woman makes old Barbies kiss just to feel something
MONTREAL – This week, Lauren Katsufrakis’ friends and family were growing increasingly concerned as she had been repeatedly making her old dolls make out in order to feel anything aside fro…
Dixie Cups quietly changes name to Cups
DALLAS, TEXAS – In response to the recent wave of civil rights protests against police brutality and white supremacy erupting throughout North America, iconic paper product company Dixie Cu…