GUELPH, ON – With the WeatherNetwork app down across the nation, a local man has bravely stepped outside to see if he can get a better signal. “How am I supposed to go out if I don’t know what th…
Parents shocked to discover house they have lived in for twenty years has heating
BARRIE, ON – A local couple who have lived in the same house for over two decades have been shocked to discover their home has heating. “It’s just not something that ever occurred to us,” says ma…
QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?
We’ve all been there. That woman you took one-and-a-half courses with in college slides into your DMs after over a decade of silence with a message starting with “hey girlie!” Now that COVID’s “o…
Indigo website down, book lovers forced to read books they already own
NATIONWIDE — Following a cyber attack that left the Indigo website inaccessible, book lovers across the country have been forced to turn to the many, many books they already own. “I’m at such a l…
5 ways to thank your food delivery guy that say “please don’t murder me I don’t want to die alone on Valentine’s Day”
Look, we’ve all been there. Singles Awareness Day – er, Valentine’s Day – once again rolls around, and all your lonely ass can do to celebrate is order an ungodly amount of food and watch Netflix…
Super Bowl: M&Ms rebrand as S&Ms
GLENDALE, AZ – After weeks of controversy over their mascots’ allegedly waning sexiness, flagship Mars chocolate brand M&Ms revealed during Super Bowl LVII that they are rebranding as S&…
Local vegan confesses she can also tell food is vegan
COURTENAY, BC – A local vegan has confessed that she, too, can tell her food is vegan. Chelsea Forsythe made the shocking confession after a near decade of vigilant veganism, during which she has…
DUMB WEEK: ABBA reunion delayed due to highly infectious Mamma Mia! variant
SWEDEN – The long-awaited reunion of Swedish supergroup ABBA has been delayed due to the latest iteration of the novel coronavirus, the highly infectious Mamma Mia! variant. ABBA reunited in 2022…
How to go through the five stages of grief before meeting up with your friend who didn’t cancel
There is literally nothing better than cancelling plans. Seriously. If you look up the word “orgasm” in the dictionary, it’s just a picture of someone texting, “Sorry, can we reschedule?” Unfortu…
Engineer who graduated ten years ago discovers traces of purple paint behind ear
TORONTO – An engineer who graduated a full decade ago has discovered he still has a bit of purple paint behind his ear. Cole Sterling was just a bright-eyed and moderately drunk engineering stude…
