Sudbury, ON – Local partygoer Andrew Heath, currently appearing to be enjoying a calm and pleasant drink, is in reality counting down the seconds until someone loudly and showily pulls him on to the dance floor.
“You know, I kind of enjoy more low-key social settings,” said Heath from the Irish Lout Pub where birthday celebrations for friend Emma Leighton are taking place. “So the best thing for me tonight, would be if someone took my beer out of my hand, put it on the table, and led me out into the middle of the dance floor to be gawked at by everyone.”
Heath added that despite never spending time on a dance floor if there is literally any other option available, he has always been secretly projecting the desire for someone to come to his rescue and teach him how to have fun.
“I just looked over and felt bad for him,” remarked Gina Salterelli, a friend of Leighton’s who had met Heath thirty minutes earlier. “He’s over there, having what, a conversation? It’s like, ‘Poor guy.’ So I mimed casting a fishing rod and reeling him in until he sighed and trudged over to have a fantastic time.”
Heath has employed the strategy for years now–not only at birthday parties but also at office functions, weddings, and concerts–and proudly confirms it has a near-perfect success rate.
“I arrive and begin to have a good time by catching up with an old friend, or just by allowing myself to quietly take in the joy of the experience,” explained Heath. “Before I know it I’m in the middle of a dance circle, people clapping, me obliging them with an awkward hip wiggle; then they all say something like ‘okay good try’ and go back to their own dancing.”
Though Heath always ends up participating, friends are concerned that he still appears timid and boring at the beginning of each new party. They pride themselves on having come together as a community to ensuring he never suffers the tragedies of other non-dancers.
“We had another friend, Peter, who never danced,” Leighton morosely admitted. “I’m ashamed to say, we didn’t notice it in time. After a while, he simply devolved into a sad puddle of atrophied muscles and enjoyable social interactions.”
