EDMONTON — After weeks of speculation, Alberta’s United Conservative government has announced that the province will be moving to the 1950s on a full-time basis.
“Many Albertans just aren’t comfortable with the current times,” a UCP spokeswoman said. “The stately pace of decades past is a better fit for our province.”
The spokeswoman was then replaced with a spokesman so that she could return to her proper role as a homemaker.
“Granted, some Albertans will enjoy fewer rights than before,” the spokesman said. “You know which ones.”
The province had previously split its time between the present and the 1950s, but the twice-yearly switch was disorienting for Albertans who had to go to and from work and school in the cold and dark while trying to remember what slurs they could currently get away with.
“There are pros and cons to both eras,” one Calgarian said. “I like that everyone gets dressed up to go out, although it will make hockey harder to follow, what with the province’s teams technically not existing anymore.”
Alberta had previously explored moving to the 1950s via a non-binding referendum. While that 2021 vote was narrowly defeated, the UCP is going ahead with the move anyway, under its “lead now and ask for forgiveness later” approach to governance.
“Albertans elected Danielle Smith to lead them backward,” the UCP spokesman said. “Now we’re just making it literal.”
Under 1950s time, Albertans will be encouraged to smoke refreshing cigarettes in public venues, complain about the radical woke politics of Prime Minister Louis St. Laurent, and scoff at the ludicrous notion that harmless automobile exhaust could have an impact on the environment. The move will leave the province several decades behind British Columbia, but in the same era as Saskatchewan.
“Many Saskatchewanians move to Alberta in search of economic opportunity, and this change will help them acclimate to life in a province where some buildings are more than five stories tall,” the spokesman said. “Add in the fact that Alberta’s beer will be getting much worse, and they should feel right at home.”
At press time, Alberta announced a related plan to spur job growth with a series of brand-new asbestos factories.
