PARADISE, NS ― In a new testament to the widespread challenges of inflation, Jesus Christ has admitted that he is really no longer in a position to save these days.
“I used to devote my life to the less fortunate,” said Christ, who worked as a carpenter in his native Nazareth. “But now, like so many others, I’ve become the one lining up at food banks instead of feeding the hungry.”
“It’s easy enough to take five loaves of bread and feed 5000 people. But now we have 1 million Canadians expected to use food banks in 2024, and for a guy who has eschewed worldly possessions to wander around preaching, 1000 loaves of bread costs an awful lot. And that’s only one meal, in one country.”
He added that he’s personally turning to ramen instead, and has started intermittent fasting, which, unlike his crucifixion, is not a voluntary sacrifice. “I worry every supper will be my last.”
After his return to Earth, the Saviour chose to settle in Canada,hoping to build a stabler life than he could have back home. But between lack of access to clean water and rising youth sobriety, he has found little demand for his ability to turn water into wine. In fact, as an ESL speaker without even a bachelor’s, he is essentially relegated to warehouse work.
Finances in general are difficult, since, as a perpetual 33-year-old, he’s always at the point of looking to start a family, but can’t break into the housing market. “I mean, there are miracles, and then there are miracles, you know? No way I’m coming up with that kind of money. In the meantime, I need twelve roommates, who for some reason follow me everywhere, so I get no privacy. And one in particular acts kind of sketchy.”
Further, having grown up in the 30’s and 20’s BC, Christ struggles with newer financial concepts, like interest rates, banks, and any currency that isn’t coins. By the same token, when he finally learned what a credit rating was, he discovered that he should have been building one for at least ten years now, and was unable to take out loans. On top of that, despite trying to make his own way, people online often call him a nepo baby because of his famous parents.
The only thing he can save effectively is souls, but unfortunately, overpopulation has caused hyperinflation of that currency. Satan, who runs Ninth Circle K, is the only vendor who still accepts souls as payment, and he charges 73.1 million of them for a mini bag of chips.
Feeling desperate and alone, the Lord recently visited a nearby church. “They assured me that if I trusted my life to Jesus, he would listen and help me. So now I can’t help but think that I truly am on my own.”
