It’s the age old dilemma for a Canadian travelling internationally: how to avoid the hate and ire much of the world has for Americans from being misdirected at you, an innocent Canadian, whose country has also done a lot of terrible things but the rest of the world doesn’t know about that. And now that Americans have started putting our flag on their backpacks, you need to get creative if you’re going to avoid being called a war criminal when you’re just trying to get some sun. Here are 5 subtle ways to let the world know that, despite all evidence, you are not actually American.
1. Use Metric System references whenever possible
Unlike those dumb Americans, us Canadians only use the Imperial system to measure height, weight and football fields. So ask someone how many kilometres away something is, or tell people how hot it is in celsius. And if you can, try to ask how much the cocaine you’re buying costs per gram, not per ounce. This will let the knowledgeable resident of your host country know that you didn’t invade Iraq and are not responsible for the creation of ISIS.
2. Make sure they see you use the letter ‘U’ when spelling words like colour
This will probably only work with customer service reps who need you to fill out a form of some kind but still, every little bit helps. Make sure words like colour, neighbour or favour are spelled the right way, even if you have to awkwardly force them into sentences that don’t really need them. If they don’t notice, spell them out as you write them. Then they will know you’re not American, although they may think you are real stupid.
3. When drunk at karaoke, angrily question why they don’t have any Tragically Hip
“You don’t know the Hip! Come on man. Poets? Ahead By A Century? I’ll even do a sad one like Fiddler’s Green. Aw this is bullshit.” No one in the U.S. has heard of them so it’s the perfect move to let the staff know you’re not a belligerent American. You’re a belligerent CANADIAN. You could also drunkenly rant about other Canadian exclusive celebrities like David Suzuki, Don Cherry or that guy from Much Music if you want.
4. Amp up the accent
The world might not know a ton about our country, but they know we say ‘aboot’ and ‘soooooorrry’. So if the situation calls for it, work it in. An example: you are in the red light district of Amsterdam and have run out of money. What a perfect time to drop a ‘sooooorrrrry boot that’ to the angry security detail that is about to throw you out.
5. Beat up the first real American you meet.
Think about it. If you were American, why would you assault an American just for being American? If casual violence can help establish your bones in a prison yard, surely it can work in the pool of an all-inclusive resort. You might get arrested, but you won’t get booed for being born on one side of an invisible line, and that’s what counts.
