BRAMPTON, ON – Galen Weston, billionaire philanthropist and benevolent overlord of the Loblaws grocery empire, has graciously announced plans to liberate No Name brand products from their unjust price freeze, effective February 1st.
“Much as Tsar Alexander II of Russia emancipated the serfs from the shackles of feudal servitude, so I Galen Weston Jr of Loblaws do hereby release No Name brand products from the bonds of price freezing!” declared the hereditary boy king from atop the highest turret of his private Caledon estate, flanked on either side by banners of crayon yellow, honouring the company’s lowest quality line of products.
In an effort to placate his poverty stricken subjects,Weston decreed a three month long price freeze starting November 2022. Citizens were then given a mere three months to stock up on winter essentials like canned tomatoes, saltine crackers, and coarse barley hand ground at his lordship’s mill. Upon the approach of the January 31st deadline, it was found that Loblaws and their beloved No Name label could no longer withstand the unbearable burden of a 0.0001% decline in shareholder profits.
“This injustice has gone on for far too long,” continued Weston. “Ninety-six days too long, to be precise, and this nation will tolerate it no more. Each and every product line in this fine Loblawcracy has the God-given right to soar like the mythical Pegasus, and who am I, a mere multi-generational business tycoon, to diminish the sacred profit margins of the ancestral No Name brand?”
The news was met with confusion by shoppers including local online town crier Ralph Furley who said, “what the hell is this dweeb even talking about? And why are eggs twenty bucks a carton?”
“At that price they’d better be made by Fabergé” added customer and peasant Lisa Stemple, laugh-crying out of sheer desperation as she purchased a pound of unsalted butter for $16.
Weston’s announcement was followed by a flourish of trumpets and a twenty one security alarm salute, wherein six starving single mothers were ceremonially arrested for attempting to shoplift baby formula, and twelve senior citizens on fixed income had their rolling carts dumped on the parking garage floor in the traditional hunt for un-scanned produce.
At press time, Weston was being convinced by local robber barons to sign a parchment copy of the “Corpora Carta”, while brandishing a regal ostrich plume pen dipped in ink from the blood of small business owners.
