TORONTO – Sources say that, despite what you might have thought, the guy that they used to call “Muttonhawk” seems to have actually been doing pretty alright, these last couple of years.
“It was always like, ‘mohawk AND mutton chops? What’s with this guy?’” said your university roommate. “But now he looks like he might live somewhere that has a dishwasher.”
Among other things, Muttonhawk seems to have lost weight, got on track with his education, and, most startlingly of all, adopted a hairstyle that wasn’t stupid.
“Him? Oh yeah, he’s doing fine. Also, his name is David, if that matters to you,” said Tramp Stamp, from your first-year biology lecture.
Despite Muttonhawk’s success, sources say that Lululemon Pants is now pregnant, Guyliner is still using too much ecstasy, and that Suspected Prince Albert is, Jesus, you don’t even want to know.
