TORONTO — Neighbourhood creep Roger Andrews wants you to know that he has been watching you every night for the past six months, and has become extremely worried about your increasingly declining eating habits.
“I don’t usually become so invested in my targets’ well-being,” explained Andrews, 48, “but you really need to start taking better care of yourself. I know you’ve been busy with work lately, but you haven’t eaten a vegetable in a week! Every day I hide in the bushes and watch you walk past your local supermarket, desperately hoping you’ll go in, but you never do. It’s bad for my business. How are you supposed to successfully run from me in terror if all you eat are hot dogs and 7-Eleven taquitos?”
Mr. Andrews would like you to know that, while you should totally still consider him a threat to your personal safety, he does have your best interests at heart.
“When you stopped buying groceries entirely a month ago, I got worried and tapped into your phone line. The results were horrifying — how can one person order butter chicken every night? The fun of hiding under your windowsill watching you get dressed is being ruined by my fear that you’re going to develop diabetes.”
“I just want you to know that you are absolutely the unhealthiest person on your block,” he continued sadly, donning his ski mask as he prepared to venture out into the night to begin his scheduled stalking. “It wouldn’t kill you to make a few easy changes. And I would know, I think about killing a lot.”
Mr. Andrews was last seen buying vegetables to leave on your doorstep alongside his weekly death threat, in a last ditch effort to help you avoid scurvy.
