Ottawa, ON – As gas prices continue rising in Canada, the federal government is ready to try anything to solve the crisis. Could “girl math” be the answer?
The viral phenomenon describes the ways in which social media users, often young women, rationalize their spending habits. But Prime Minister Mark Carney knows it’s more than just a meme. It’s an economic plan.
“We’re encouraging Canadians to buy gift cards to gas stations,” said Carney. “Then, the next time they buy gas, it’s free.”
That’s only one of many fiscal solutions the Liberals are promoting under new deputy finance minister @OliviaRodrigoGirlie4141. The popular TikTok user has also been teaching her colleagues how to use the platform to spread the word.
“Taking public transit costs money every day. Driving only costs money when you fill up your tank,” explains Carney, talking into the microphone of his wired earbuds and pointing his index finger up at a notes app screenshot.
“Before girl math, politicians only had one thing we could suggest in times of economic hardship, cancelling Disney+,” the Prime Minister continued. “Now I understand that Disney+ actually saves you money, because rewatching How I Met Your Mother is cheaper than going to therapy.”
Finance Minister François-Philippe Champagne has also gotten in on the girl math fun.
“Literally any financial advice I could give would sound condescending coming from someone with my name,” said the Honourable Minister Champagne. “But people actually like me when I say they deserve a little treat after spending so much money on gas. Apparently if the money is already loaded in your Starbucks app, it’s free.”
A complete list of strategies can be found on Canada.ca, including helpful tips like:
- Buy less than $5 of gas at a time. Anything less than $5 is free.
- Invest in oil and gas. Now you’re paying yourself every time you fill your tank.
- Get your sister a sweater for her birthday. She’ll exchange it for store credit and use that credit to buy you a hat for Christmas. The hat will make your ears look big, so you can trade it on Facebook Marketplace for a vintage lamp. Refurbish the lamp. You’ll need hemostat pliers, chain spreaders, and pipe benders, but don’t worry, you’ll break even once you hit three million views on YouTube. Every click after that is free gas in your tank.
Move over federal fuel excise tax. It’s clear that girl math is the way of the future for Canada. Indeed, when asked why now was the right time for girl math, the ever-economical PM Carney only needed three words to answer: “Because it’s 2026.”
