OTTAWA – As Canada works to separate our economy from the increasingly chaotic United States, the Canadian government is also searching for a new country to shamelessly copy for our entire cultural identity
“Given that being slightly more polite versions of Americans no longer reflects Canada’s best interests, we figured it was time to update our national identity,” said Steven Guilbeault, Minister of Canadian Culture and Identity, Parks Canada, and Being Different Enough from the US.
Guilbeault outlined what Canadians can look forward to, once we decide on a new country to base our entire personality around. “Think of how much happier Canada will be once we have more Burmese restaurants, Estonian TV channels, and a national animal that has never lived on this continent.”
“We don’t want Canadians abroad to be spit on because they are mistaken for Americans. It’s time to carve out our own identity, and earn that spit ourselves!”
Guilbeault’s office is reportedly having a tough time choosing which country we should import all of our art and media from. According to staffer Louise Jay-Park, the Ministry of Culture has been divided for days.
“The vast majority of our staffers want us want to start ripping off British culture, since we’re already halfway there,” explained Jay-Park. “However, 22% of our staff strongly believe we should plagiarize the French, and they’ve even threatened to walk off the job over this.”
Jay-Park continued, “But the pro-British camp thinks we can’t handle as many protests as the French culture would require, and the pro-French side pointed out that a Canadian version of Slow Horses would be too dark. It’s a mess”
Separate from the ministry schism is new hire Kyle Gladly, who has pushed for Canada’s national identity to start becoming more Swedish.
“Think about it, guys! We would have banging club music, food in tubes, and 3 hours of sunlight a day! It’d be great!”
When asked if it wouldn’t make more sense to increase the funding for Canadian arts and media so that Canada can create its own unique culture that isn’t a hodgepodge of stuff from the States and Europe, Guilbeault laughed and said that would be a waste of taxpayer pesos. He then proceeded to cross Mexico off a list of potential countries.
The Ministry of Culture has refused to comment on whether or not imitating Australian culture is being considered, as they are essentially a warmer version of us.
Initially, the Ministry considered opening the national identity decision to a public online poll, but took it down after the initial responses overwhelmingly favoured China and Russia
