OTTAWA – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has presented newly-sworn-in Prime Minister Mark Carney with a list of demands, along with promises to “blow up this entire country and myself so help me God I’ll do it!”
The list of demands, printed entirely from letters cut out of SunCor “clean oil” pamphlets, was delivered to PM Carney under cover of darkness. The enclosed demands have previously been reported to include such items as “Guaranteeing Alberta full access to unfettered oil and gas corridors to the north, east, and west” and “Repealing Bill C-69”.
The Beaverton has now obtained the full, unedited list of additional demands:
- Any Albertan can order any other Canadian, at any time, to give them a piggyback ride in lieu of calling an Uber
- The CBC must guarantee 50 more seasons of Heartland
- Canada’s national bird will now be the ‘black-capped chickadee covered in oil from an Alberta tailing pond’
- Danielle Smith to be named diplomatic envoy to Mar-A-Lago, with full ‘make your own omelette bar’ privileges
- Eastern and Western provinces will have to pay Alberta directly for any oil that leaks out of newly-built pipelines
- No export taxes on Alberta oil, and how fucking dare you for even suggesting it, with your stupid face
- All of Canada’s solar panels to become gas-powered
- Canada becomes the 51st State just for a little while, to see if maybe we like it.
- Every year each province must send two children as tribute to compete in the Calgary Stampede. Only one child will survive.
- Any Canadian uttering the word “environmentalism”, “climate change”, or “electric car” will be bitumened and feathered.
- 2025 Order Of Canada recipients to include Ben Shapiro, Barron Trump, and Hannibal Lector
- Parliament will require Alberta to sign off on all regulations, legislation, and lunch menu decisions.
