OTTAWA — After being sworn in as Canada’s new Prime Minister yesterday, Mark Carney’s first official act was to kill the carbon tax, and by doing so, killing all of Pierre Poilievre’s hopes and dreams as well.
“It is the honour of my life to become this great country’s 24th Prime Minister,” said Carney, after signing the order to get rid of the misunderstood tax. “But it is an even bigger honour to simultaneously decimate both the carbon tax AND that angry, slogan-screaming dweeb’s dreams of being the 25th.”
“I can’t wait to see the look on his beady-eyed face as he realizes everything he’s ever wished for has been destroyed with a single stroke of my pen,” Carney added while posing for his official prime ministerial portrait.
“And just in case Pierre doesn’t immediately flee politics in abject defeat when he finds out, next week I will also be eliminating the new capital gains tax. All his rich supporters hate it, and the idea that he can be the one to cancel it brings him joy. As leader of this country, I simply cannot allow that.”
A single, proud tear rolled down Carney’s cheek. “I promise Canadians that if that man ever, ever begins to hope that he has a chance again, I will seek out the root of that hope and ruin it faster than he can say ‘Bring Canada Home,’ whatever the fuck that means.”
Several Poilievre staffers were seen huddling after Carney’s announcement, having just gotten off the phone with their boss.
“Pierre is heartbroken,” said one staffer who wished to remain anonymous due to their embarrassment of working for a man who loves Canadian lumber in such a weirdly sexual way. “Getting rid of the carbon tax was one of only two actual policies Mr. Poilievre has come up with all by himself, and he was just so certain that it was going to win him the election.”
“Now what is he going to do with the ‘Carbon Tax Carney’ bumper stickers, billboards, and temporary tattoos he’s paid for?” the staffer bemoaned, after texting Poilievre a picture of Trudeau looking extra sad to try and cheer him up. “I just hope that Carney doesn’t go after getting rid of the capital gains tax, because that’s his other policy. I don’t think Pierre could take it. He’ll have a meltdown and start wearing cowboy hats again. No one needs that.”
At press time, Poilievre was spotted sobbing uncontrollably into a “Fuck Trudeau” flag.
