HAMILTON, ON — With Premier Doug Ford ordering Ontario LCBOs to stop selling US alcohol due to President Trump’s tariffs, accountant Marianne Thompson has expressed frustration that she won’t be able to use that alcohol to drown her sorrows over the fact that she actually agreed with him about it.
“I can’t believe (Ford) would do this to me — and by ‘this,’ I mean make a decision that I actually agree with!” Thompson exclaimed. “It feels like such a betrayal. And not the usual kind of betrayal where he sells off a beloved piece of Ontario property to his rich developer friends.”
Thompson mused, while staring longingly at her liquor cabinet, “Just thinking about the fact that Doug and I both believe in getting rid of U.S. booze makes me want to reach for the Tito’s, but now all I’ve got is British Columbian ice wine that tastes like fiery syrup, and I can’t even blame him for it!
“This is almost as bad as that stupid tunnel he promised to build under the 401.”
The newly-sober accountant confessed that while Ford’s decision would in no way convince her to vote for him, ever, it would certainly upend her coping mechanisms for his unnecessary and early election later in the month.
“My whole plan for the whole thing was to slam a shot of Jack Daniels every time Doug created a new folksy hat slogan to try and convince us that he wasn’t massively corrupt,” Thompson said dejectedly. “Now what am I going to shoot? Locally-sourced, fruit-forward Niagara riesling? It’s just not the same.”
Thompson’s boyfriend, Chuck Morgan, agreed, though he didn’t seem to be as hung up on supporting Doug Ford’s policies as he was about the future lack of access to U.S. beer.
“What am I gonna do, buy Toronto IPAs from the actual breweries?” Chuck scoffed. “That sounds like a lot of work. Plus, they have too much flavour. If the beer doesn’t have ‘Light’ in the name and tastes better than over-hydrated urine, I’m out.”
At press time, Premier Ford had just used his universally popular decision to distract Ontarians away from the fact that he plans to turn the Toronto Zoo into a casino.
