OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre, who has famously spent his 21-year political career vociferously attacking any person or political entity which opposed him, has vowed to “any day now” begin training that same rhetorical fire on the American billionaires currently threatening Canada’s sovereignty.
The Conservative Leader is renowned for never once hesitating to publicly criticize Liberals, foreign leaders, the media, scientists, doctors, and one time a puppy that looked at him funny. Still, in the face of a massive unilateral trade war launched by US president Donald Trump, backed by wealthiest man in the world Elon Musk, Poilievre has insisted his lack of harsh words for the pair is “just bad timing”.
“Saying critical things about other people is my favourite thing to do. In fact, some say it’s the only thing I’m capable of,” insisted Poilievre from his home. “That’s why I can’t wait to say some real doozies about the greatest conservative president America has ever seen, as well as the smartest businessman on the face of the whole planet.”
“Those bold titans of industry have a real tongue lashing coming to them, trust me,” Poilievre added, visibly sweating.
Despite recently calling the Trudeau government a “clown show” and insisting “nobody but Santa Claus” lives in Arctic communities, some have noted that Poilievre has been oddly tight-lipped towards the two men actively threatening Canada’s trade and borders. Still, other Canadians insist this must be part of a larger strategy.
Judy Argus of Regina notes, “I mean, Poilievre has no problem calling Trudeau a ‘liar’, or Montreal’s mayor ‘incompetent’, or drug consumption experts ‘wackos’. Maybe he’s waited so long because he’s inventing a whole new juvenile name to call Trump?”
Amir Sahib of Vancouver posits, “Sure, Poilievre may have welcomed social media boosting from Elon Musk and encouraged him to build factories in Canada, but that was forever ago, in January 2025.”
Chin Yu of Halifax suggests, “It can’t be that Poilievre was anticipating support in the upcoming Federal election from a conservative US president as well as social media boosting from an out of control oligarch who has set out to openly topple liberal democracies around the globe. It’s probably Trudeau and the WTO using mind-control beams on him.”
At press time Pierre Poilievre has postponed his long-awaited unveiling of harsh insults for Donald Trump and Elon Musk, explaining it will be much easier to say such things once Canada is the 51st American state.
